My 5-year-old is happy as long as she's around me. As a baby, she would spend all day content in a sling that I wore. 

I found Nurturings when she was just over 1 year old. 

I had befriended a mom at a local breastfeeding support meeting. We had both researched how to start a Nurturings parents’ group. We each felt that a parenting support group was desperately needed in our local area. 

One month later, this friend and I held our first Nurturings group meeting. Since then, we've had many wonderful meetings, added group leaders, and made lots of new friends! I don't know what I would've done through the past many years without these other parents in my life.

I now have two daughters, my 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I am thankful for Nurturings pointing me to the Eight Principles of Parenting, which have been my guiding force through my parenting approach with my children.

My oldest daughter was verbal at an early age, but she would only talk around me, my husband, and my mom. At Nurturings meetings, she wouldn't leave my side to play with the other children, even when the meetings were held in our home. Dear friends who had known my daughter all her life never heard her speak until she was 3 years old.

I was so fearful I was doing something wrong, causing my daughter to be so reserved, so I reached out to my Nurturings group with questions. It was suggested to learn ways to help me daughter ease her fears. I felt in my heart that I could equip my daughter with confidence and the support she needed to overcome this challenge. 

I learned that my first step was to make sure my daughter didn't feel guilty for not talking to people. That was harder than I thought it'd be. 

So many people in our lives -- friends, family, and strangers -- tried to elicit a verbal response from her by making her feel bad for not speaking to them. Others would stop talking to my daughter and instead talk about her in front of her since she didn't speak to them. Although I refused to describe her as "shy," other people used the word around her on an almost daily basis. My heart hurt for her.

Because of the parenting support I received from my Nurturings group, I focused on constantly reassuring my daughter that I love her and like her for who she is. I gave her lots of positive reinforcement. I stopped pressuring her to speak to other people.

I vividly remember one evening when we were getting ready to go visit my sister and her family to go swimming and have a family dinner. At first, my daughter was excited but then got a worried look on her face. I asked her what was bothering her, and she asked, "Mom, do I have to talk to Aunt Margaret?" I kneeled down, looked her in the eye, and said, "No, Honey, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. It's fine." 

The look of relief on my daughter's face was unmistakable as she replied, "Really, Mom? I really don't have to? It won't hurt her feelings?" I reassured her that no one's feelings would be hurt and that her aunt knew how much she liked her even if she didn't talk to her. My daughter wrapped her arms around my neck and thanked me. I hugged her back while choking back tears.

That was a turning point. That's when I solidified my role as an advocate for my daughter, talking to my family and friends about the importance of not pressuring her to talk.

In less than a year after this turning point, my daughter was talking to all of her family members. I remember crying when she walked up to my dad and asked him to read a book to her. My dad cried, too. I remember how my daughter was confused about what the big deal was!

After this, she began talking to other children at the swimming pool and to waiters at the restaurants we most frequent. 

My daughter will likely never be chatty and will likely continue to be considered reserved, preferring the company of other gentle and compassionate souls like hers. But she has become a confident, happy girl.

Me learning to accept her for who she is, my refusal to let myself and others burden her with derogatory labels, and our willingness to let her work through her anxiety on her own timetable has helped my daughter develop into a confident, happy girl. 

In what way is your child lovingly unique? How can you let your child know you love and appreciate him or her?

When my first daughter was born, I was young, newly married, and living in a new city with no friends and no family.

I was lucky that my mom was able to travel to my new home and stay with me for the week after my baby was born, which also meant she cooked dinner for my husband and me, held or watched the baby sleep while I showered, and was there to push the ottoman a little closer when I needed to put my feet up.

The afternoon she walked out of our apartment door and sadly waved from her car as she started her six-hour car trip home, I cried.

I bathed my baby alone for the first time. The two of us laid on the floor together, under her mobile, both of us looking up at a completely new world, a completely new existence. I felt as small and blurry-eyed as she.

Even though my husband was and always has been very supportive, I knew I needed help.

He worked rotating shifts, so his schedule was never set, and I was often alone. I was tired, too, and I had no idea what I was doing. I had read the books and I sometimes peeked in on online message boards or searched the Internet for answers to my questions, but the books and computer didn't talk back. They couldn't give me a hug or the look of understanding I really needed.

Even when I found the answers to my many questions, they often did not satisfy me. I knew something was missing. I didn’t like the steady answers to sleep challenges and bouts of crying, and later tantrums. I didn't mind holding my baby almost constantly, and the thought of hearing her cry without comforting her broke my heart and made me feel sick. I wanted something different.

I have never been an outgoing person, but I knew I needed to make friends. I knew I needed a support group.

I searched online for a group in my area and found one with Nurturings that met twice a week. 

I had never been to a support group before, and I was terrified. My daughter had fallen asleep in the car on the ride over, so when we pulled into the parking lot, I swung my infant carrier around my body, slipped in her little 5-week-old body, and slowly, timidly walked to the door.

Inside, the room was packed. There were mothers nursing, babies crying, diapers being changed, and the best part was that -- in all that noise -- these mothers were also being women. They were talking, laughing, laughing at themselves. I knew this was the place I needed to be.

At the first meeting, we all shared our birth stories. We then talked about what was going on in our lives. For every problem, there were many potential solutions. Some women were even dealing with the same challenges they had been sharing for weeks, but they kept coming back and kept trying their best.

I will never forget one woman who said her son had woken every half hour to nurse for weeks. She said that as she held him, crying, in the wee hours of the morning, she thought to herself, "If only the sun would come up, everything would be okay." Everybody offered her love and support, and she was able to laugh at herself.

And there is nothing like that: Laughing at your challenges in a bright room with bright people, because those women had been there, and they all know one challenge will pass and another will come. This is life. But there we were, all of us, sharing this experience. And isn't that amazing?

Books and computers do not emit this kind of warmth.

My baby grew out of the newborn Nurturings group, so we went on to the toddler group and then the tot group. We remained involved with the Nurturings groups until we moved out of the area. 

I keep in touch with a  dear friend I made in that group, even though we both live in different states now.

Even more importantly, I have held onto the Eight Principles of Parenting that the women in that group introduced me to. They taught me the way I wanted to raise my child. They cared about supporting women wanting to breastfeed, raising their children with kindness, and treating children as individuals and not as problems to be solved.

The women in that group affirmed what I knew: that parenting matters, and our children need us.

Parenting support groups are important for new mothers, because everybody needs a friend or two or many, especially when sleep-deprived and learning how to be a better parent. The right kind of support matters.

Maybe the Internet is useful for quick answers, and social media can help, too, sometimes. But sharing a laugh, giving or receiving a hug, and trading stories in real time with real people are irreplaceable experiences and ones that will give a mother or father the strength they need to be the best they can be for their child.

Who gives you the support you need to be the parent you want to be?

How often are you off in another world when you are with your child? 

Is your mind preoccupied with thoughts of a conversation or argument you had with your spouse? Are you thinking about what your friend meant by that comment she made about you? Are you scrolling or texting? 

You might be thinking about what you would rather be doing than playing Barbie, the work you should be doing, or what you have to get ready for dinner. Maybe you feel frustrated about the time you feel you're wasting, or are you longing for bedtime?

If your child's behavior is bothering you, listen in on your self-talk to learn your beliefs about the motives behind his behavior. If you detect guilt or concern about what others might be thinking of your parenting choices, you’re not alone.

Our minds are constantly filled with random thoughts, judgments, criticisms, worries, and fears. They make up our agendas and take over our consciousness. 

Many parents would say their children are of very high importance, and yet we all struggle to give our children enjoyable, undivided time together with us. 

I know I’m not alone when I find myself asking, how often am I fully present with my child, aware of what is happening in our relationship, seeing the situation from her point of view, and connecting?

BE HERE NOW

I'm learning how to put conscious intention toward being in the present moment with my child. It’s really difficult to do! But, in honoring my responsibility to our relationship, I’m learning to value the opportunity I have in my parenting role and acknowledge that my child is in my life because of the relationship we are developing.

Sometimes, I do well at being present with her; other times, I don’t. It’s like a seesaw, always a work in progress. I understand that it's not healthy to focus my entire life on my child and only do whatever she wants me to do. But I can’t be wholly focused on my to-do list and expect my child to center her life around my agenda. There needs to be a balance between my needs and my child's needs. I need to honor myself as much as I need to honor my child. It's important that I understand both of our needs and wants and don't get either confused.

Physical exhaustion from the activity of keeping up with a young child is quite different from the mental exhaustion that comes from self-judgment, doubt, anger, and rage of trying to control my child and force her to be who I want her to be or who I think someone else wants her to be.

I'm striving for a relationship with my child where we connect first to figure things out. While I make the decisions as the parent, I want to understand her needs and guide her instead of blindly imposing “by the book” advice.

I've learned to become aware of all the mental gymnastics I put myself through. As I become more aware of my self-talk, I’m learning to remind myself that it's within my control to change my thoughts and then I'm ready to prioritize my attention on what's happening now with me and my child more than what's going on in my head.

I can trust that those thoughts can pass into my head and out, like a train coming in and out of a station, without interrupting my time with my daughter. I don’t have to feel guilty for thinking something, but I also don’t have to take action on my thoughts.

THINK, THEN ACT

Let's say I'm in the supermarket and I am pulling my daughter away from touching a display and she begins to cry. The eyes of several passersby glares in my direction, and I am filled with embarrassment. 

What actually happens depends on what I choose to do about these emotions and how quickly I can take control of them.

It's crucial for me to realize that my emotions are determined by the thoughts and assumptions I have about any given situation, not by my child's behavior or words. 

The feeling of embarrassment is prompted by what I think about my daughter's behavior and what I assume everyone else is thinking. A thought I struggle with is what other people think about me when my daughter screams.

My immediate reaction is to pull her away and scold her for being rude. That may be a common parenting reaction. When I think about it, I realize this reaction is meant to cover my embarrassment and to show that I am in charge. It’s more for the benefit of what I think others want to see versus what might have been a helpful response. I struggle with this.

On calmer reflection, I realize that what I really want to do is teach my child how to express her anger or resolve conflict in a healthy way.  

If I treat my child as if she has made a recoverable mistake, she will learn over time that mistakes are normal and she can do better next time. She will have a positive self-image and her behavior will reflect her belief in herself. 

I’ve learned that, if I focus on helping my daughter through a mistake, we both have a whole different experience. 

I'm not ignoring or denying my feelings, and I’m not letting my child “get away with” something.  My embarrassment is real and understandable, but that does not need to drive my response. 

RESPOND OUT OF AWARENESS

When I am aware of my own thoughts and reactions, I can neutrally observe my daughter’s behavior and adjust my response to what she’s capable of at her age and in the situation as well as to what she needs. With practice, it is easier to accept the way I feel and accept the way my daughter feels, and this makes my responses to her more effective.

This gives me a sense of freedom. I feel like I'm better able to focus on my daughter at the moment, rather than be a victim to whatever I'm imagining other people are thinking about my child's behavior or my parenting.

When my primary focus is what is going on between me and my daughter, rather than what strangers in the supermarket may be thinking, I have found it easier to keep my thoughts on how to respond respectfully to my child in situations like her having a tantrum in public. I am more likely to have the presence of mind to say, "I'm sorry I grabbed your arm. I didn't realize how much you wanted to look at that display. I was in a hurry to get through the shopping list."

I realized at some point that strangers are more likely to be supportive of me being sensitive in my response to my daughter than if I reacted to her out of embarrassment.

Parenting this way is much less stressful, because I realize that it's not my job to change my child, or fix her, or control her. By appreciating her expression of her anger, embarrassing as it may be, allowed me to glimpse into my daughter's world and for me to then choose a response out of empathy.

I think this lets her know that, regardless of her behavior, I accept her.

TAKE A BREATHER

When I feel stressed, taking a few deep breaths works. There may be other ways that work for you to stay in the moment during a stressful parenting situation.

It’s hard to accept it, but it’s normal to feel judged. It’s normal for our minds to run away with a story of what we think others might be thinking. 

By taking a few deep breaths, I'm stopping for a few moments and that break in my thoughts is what I need to keep myself grounded so my mind doesn't spin out of control. It's easier for me to view the situation objectively.

My friends have had similar experiences, so I know that I’m not alone.

CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK

Sometimes, taking deep breaths doesn't help as much. Sometimes, it works better for me to repeat a mantra of "He's not a problem; he's having a problem; how can I help?" over and over. 

When my head is full of comments like, "Why is this so hard? He's being a scaredy-cat. Just go to sleep already!," it's harder to stop myself from exploding in rage. 

I've learned that a lot of my anger comes from a sense that my son is inconveniencing me or disrupting my day's agenda in some way. When I realize this is my issue, it works well for me to think about how the situation looks from my child's perspective.

When I am able to check in with my feelings and consider age-appropriate behaviors, I am able to think through a situation, notice my own feelings, see the issue from my child’s point of view, and stay connected with my child. And I realize that while this may only be temporary, if it happens enough, my daughter may be learning that I can be trusted to really understand, accept, or support her. My daughter deserves my unconditional love.

Take a deep breath.