When I was pregnant, I could sleep anywhere anytime. I'd have loved to sleep through the first two-thirds of pregnancy. I could rest for 12 long hours every night and still enjoy a morning nap.

But there was one thing that kept me awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering and worrying: my son's warm body snuggled next to mine, his arm draped over my growing belly.

I'd pull him closer to me and wonder, What have I done? How is this going to rock his world? What is going to happen to my relationship with him?

The "what ifs" scrolled through my mind at a dizzying speed. How was I possibly going to be able to handle mothering two children, especially when one would be a needy newborn?

Each of my children were carefully and lovingly planned, but the moment that pregnancy test turned out positive, the excitement was immediately mixed with worry and doubt: I was doing the right thing for my family, right? 

I wrestled with that question.

I enjoyed growing up with a sibling and so would my son, I reasoned with myself. Lots of people have two children and somehow make it work, so I would be able, too.

Alongside each of these comforting thoughts, the worrisome thoughts fought for my attention. At some point in our childhood, my sister and I were no longer playmates and didn't get along again until she moved out. Would my children repeat this?

WORRIED? SEEK SUPPORT IN OTHER PARENTING FRIENDS

Eventually I reached out to friends with multiple children, asking them how they did it? Often, their comfort was well-meaning but not always helpful. I heard, "Oh, it just works out. You'll be fine," a lot. But I needed a response that was more concrete. When I heard this comment, my doubt retorted with "Just because they're fine doesn't mean you'll be."

I was thankful for the tangible advice these friends gave me. One of these gems of advice became my mantra, the most helpful suggestion I've ever received about being a mother of more than one: Don't blame the baby.

My friend shared how Mom blaming the baby for a change in routine encourages the older child to blame the baby when he or she feels jealous, and this blame can get in the way of the siblings' budding friendship.

When you are pregnant and your child wants you to play, tell your child that you just aren't feeling well today, but that's normal for mommies sometimes. (Don’t blame the baby.)

After the baby is born and you need to sit on the sofa to feed your newborn, tell your child that you just need to sit for a little bit and ask him to bring a book to you to read aloud. (Don’t blame the baby.)

I kept this in mind. A few months later, I remember my son meeting his baby brother for the first time. My older son was enthralled, mesmerized, and inspired...for about five minutes. After admiring his new brother, he was ready to play and go back to life as before.

MAKE PARENTING CHOICES BASED ON YOUR GOALS

In those first moments and days after my baby was born, I started to believe that mothering two would be okay. I saw how we, as a family, were embarking on a great new journey together.

Like all journeys, we've experienced some unexpected turns, bumps in the road, and vistas unlike we ever dreamed of. We've also come to some crossroads and needed to make decisions.

We've found books that support close friendships between siblings, such as the Boxcar Children and Magic Treehouse series. One unexpected twist in the path to sibling harmony has been a lack of support found in children's books. So many children's books explore jealousy between siblings and show fighting as the norm. Through careful selection.

We talk about families and the place that each person has in our family and how important each person is in our family. 

None of this insulates us from squabbling between siblings. There are still arguments over toys and protests of "It's not fair!" But my boys love each other through and through. 

It took a lot of conscious effort and problem-solving to find what works in encouraging their friendship and eventually their relationships with a baby sister.

When she is breastfeeding and gazing up at me with those big, beautiful baby eyes, I lean in and whisper to her, "You're so lucky! You have two wonderful brothers who can't wait to play with you!"

When have your children shown up for one another and supported each other?

There is something so fun about watching my older children mimic my parenting approach with their younger siblings.

When my second child was born, our oldest was only 2 years old. While she was very sweet with her new baby brother, she mostly just politely ignored him. I did catch her gently rocking and lifting her shirt to nurse her favorite stuffed duck toy occasionally.

When our third child was born, our oldest was 5 and definitely more interested but still mostly preferred to "mother" her dolls, carrying them around in doll slings and such, than to do much with her baby brother.

This last time around, though, when our fourth child was born, our oldest is 7 and is much more interested in helping to care for her baby sister. She helps with diaper changes, confidently hikes her baby sister onto her hip, and just yesterday asked to wear her sister on her back in a carrier.

I reflexively said "no," but then reconsidered. Why not, if I was supervising?

She was tickled that I let her try it out.

I guess, before I had more than one child, it never occurred to me how much the baby gets from having older siblings. Everyone seems to talk about the benefits of siblings to the older child: "You are getting a playmate! You'll be a big sister!" We don't hear enough about how the baby benefits, too.

I mean, my fourth baby positively glows when her big sister and brothers appear.

We call this fourth baby "the luckiest baby" for having three older siblings. Her every sound and cute, little motion is quickly responded to. She has a built-in audience when she notices the fan and starts moving her arm in a circle: Three little voices notice and encourage her to keep going.

I remember vaguely feeling a bit sorry for my firstborn when our second baby arrived, imagining the reduced amount of parental attention she would get, that she would be sitting around pining for my attention when my hands would be full with a new baby.

While this was somewhat true for the first few months after my second baby was born, she and her brother soon became inseparable and played together constantly. They gave each other much more attention than I would've been able to manage to give each of them one-on-one with me, even with my best effort. I mean, my patience for playing tea and reading toddler books is, shall we say, finite.

And now, these days, seven years later, I have to fight for my time with my children: They are so self-sufficient with each other. I had completely underestimated this part of a growing family!

Editor’s note: Sometimes siblings do not get along. Like all relationships, there are moments or seasons of conflict. Age, temperament, gender, and stage of development as well as the situation at hand, whether a child needs a nap or meal, and so many other factors influence a sibling relationship. Children benefit when parents take time to guide siblings in navigating these close relationships and the inevitable challenges.

What benefits do your children get from having siblings, even if they don’t always get along? What are moments of connection they do have? 

I have a new baby in my family. He is now 17 months old. My last baby was born 10 years earlier. The baby before this baby was born two years prior to my second.

When I look at my new baby, all I see is joy and love in his eyes. All his intentions are true and pure. He is my newest angel. I know that he does not manipulate or judge, his wants are his needs, and I have no problem meeting them. He nurses and all is right with the world. He sleeps and truly looks like an angel, our dream come true.

I remember looking adoringly at my first two babies. I loved to watch them sleep and trusted their souls completely. I watched them grow, and they taught me so much about what it means to be a happy family. They knew what they needed and had no problem letting me know. They both nursed untl they felt that they did not need to breastfeed any longer.

The challenges began as they grew.

PARENTING TODDLERS: DISCOVERING THE WORLD TOGETHER

As my children grew, there was an abundance of information about what they "should" be doing and when they "should" outgrow aspects of their babyhood/childhood. I continued to trust that my children knew what they were doing and however they were doing it was appropriate for them. This felt right for me.

I had to make adjustments to accomodate their interests, and I too began to become interested in the things they wanted to learn about. We took a multitude of field trips with friends to discover new plances and new things. We spent a lot of time exploring the outdoors and bug-collecting.  

Having growng up with only one sister, raising boys was different. My sons taught me what to do. Listening became a big part of my job: hearing what they had to say and waiting for them to figure out how to say it.

PARENTING CHILDREN: LISTENING AND RESPONDING

As my boys grew older, my job as a mom continued to grow: Now I was also a tutor for school work. I was an eavesdropper as they spoke in the car to each other and with their friends. I was given the big window into their lives in the car. The car became the place where we all reconnected. In the car, there was no competition for each other's attention. We spoke of many things in the car and learned all about boy-girl relationships and sex. For some reason, they always asked me the hardest questions while I was driving. I was glad that they could not see the shock on my face in the innocence of their intense questions.

I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a "stupid woman." I write this with a smile, as I know it is a stage that many pre-adolescents go through, thinking they are all-powerful and all-knowing and that their parents know nothing. My friends and I would laugh about this later, and I was proud that my children were confident in their power and knowledge.

PARENTING TEENS: MAKING SPACE FOR CHANGE

Now my older children are ages 11 and 13. My first teenager has bouts of love for me and intense anger about anything. He will come up to me to hug me and tell me that he loves me. The next day, he will tell me that I am ruining his life. I continue to follow my heart and love him everyday, and let him know it. I love hearing about everything that is going on in his life, as much as he is willing to share with me. I keep an open mind and let him know of my availability to hhim to talk about anything. I respect his privacy and his decisions. We have made certain agreements about his being able to call me to fish him out of any uncomfortable situation he finds himself in, no questions asked and no punishment offered. He is teaching me everyday, again, about growing up and being a teenager, about separation and relationship.

What he is going through is strikingly similar to what my toddler is going through. Two steps forward; one step back. Independent one day; learning on me the next. Growing and learning about his new body and intelligence and power and strength. Learning how to handle all the new feelings in his body. Learning how his parents fit into the big picture. He is a bright, articulate, strong, young man who has his future at his feet. He has every opportuity in the world before him. I have to learn patience as he takes his steps in navigating his unique journey in this world. I need to learn patience and trust in his process. I must learn when to talk and when to stay quiet.

PARENTING CHANGES AS CHILDREN GROW

I take time to talk with other parents with kids the same ages as mine. Some of these parents have been my "co-workers" in my parenting career since our older babies were the littlest of babies. Hearing what they have to say comforts me as I learn that, once again, what my children are doing is normal. Expectations must be adjusted once more, as even though our children are literally big, they are stil very focused on only themselves at times. Autonomy ebbs and flows. They move at their own pace. I must believe that what they are doing is the right thing to be doing at their age and stage of development.

Touch is still an essential tool in my parenting practices. Hugs, kisses, and telling them "I love you" are daily activities. I take affection any way I can get it from them, while understanding that it may come in other ways like wrestling with my boys. I continue to be emotionally available to them, at the drop of a pin. My boys keep busy, but we must be careful not to over-schedule as they still really need their down time. I must learn more about being involved without being intrusive.

Babies, toddlers, and adolescents are all strikingly similar. Parenting through it all, my mantra has been to follow my children's lead. I make decisions based on what works for today. I continue to follow my heart. I may make mistakes along the way, all a part of learning. I understand now how quickly they grow, and I cherish my time with all three of my sons, knowing one day they will be gone from my home and in their own with children of their own...and I will miss them tremendously.

How do you follow your child's lead in your parenting?