There is something so fun about watching my older children mimic my parenting approach with their younger siblings.

When my second child was born, our oldest was only 2 years old. While she was very sweet with her new baby brother, she mostly just politely ignored him. I did catch her gently rocking and lifting her shirt to nurse her favorite stuffed duck toy occasionally.

When our third child was born, our oldest was 5 and definitely more interested but still mostly preferred to "mother" her dolls, carrying them around in doll slings and such, than to do much with her baby brother.

This last time around, though, when our fourth child was born, our oldest is 7 and is much more interested in helping to care for her baby sister. She helps with diaper changes, confidently hikes her baby sister onto her hip, and just yesterday asked to wear her sister on her back in a carrier.

I reflexively said "no," but then reconsidered. Why not, if I was supervising?

She was tickled that I let her try it out.

I guess, before I had more than one child, it never occurred to me how much the baby gets from having older siblings. Everyone seems to talk about the benefits of siblings to the older child: "You are getting a playmate! You'll be a big sister!" We don't hear enough about how the baby benefits, too.

I mean, my fourth baby positively glows when her big sister and brothers appear.

We call this fourth baby "the luckiest baby" for having three older siblings. Her every sound and cute, little motion is quickly responded to. She has a built-in audience when she notices the fan and starts moving her arm in a circle: Three little voices notice and encourage her to keep going.

I remember vaguely feeling a bit sorry for my firstborn when our second baby arrived, imagining the reduced amount of parental attention she would get, that she would be sitting around pining for my attention when my hands would be full with a new baby.

While this was somewhat true for the first few months after my second baby was born, she and her brother soon became inseparable and played together constantly. They gave each other much more attention than I would've been able to manage to give each of them one-on-one with me, even with my best effort. I mean, my patience for playing tea and reading toddler books is, shall we say, finite.

And now, these days, seven years later, I have to fight for my time with my children: They are so self-sufficient with each other. I had completely underestimated this part of a growing family!

Editor’s note: Sometimes siblings do not get along. Like all relationships, there are moments or seasons of conflict. Age, temperament, gender, and stage of development as well as the situation at hand, whether a child needs a nap or meal, and so many other factors influence a sibling relationship. Children benefit when parents take time to guide siblings in navigating these close relationships and the inevitable challenges.

What benefits do your children get from having siblings, even if they don’t always get along? What are moments of connection they do have? 

I have a new baby in my family. He is now 17 months old. My last baby was born 10 years earlier. The baby before this baby was born two years prior to my second.

When I look at my new baby, all I see is joy and love in his eyes. All his intentions are true and pure. He is my newest angel. I know that he does not manipulate or judge, his wants are his needs, and I have no problem meeting them. He nurses and all is right with the world. He sleeps and truly looks like an angel, our dream come true.

I remember looking adoringly at my first two babies. I loved to watch them sleep and trusted their souls completely. I watched them grow, and they taught me so much about what it means to be a happy family. They knew what they needed and had no problem letting me know. They both nursed untl they felt that they did not need to breastfeed any longer.

The challenges began as they grew.

PARENTING TODDLERS: DISCOVERING THE WORLD TOGETHER

As my children grew, there was an abundance of information about what they "should" be doing and when they "should" outgrow aspects of their babyhood/childhood. I continued to trust that my children knew what they were doing and however they were doing it was appropriate for them. This felt right for me.

I had to make adjustments to accomodate their interests, and I too began to become interested in the things they wanted to learn about. We took a multitude of field trips with friends to discover new plances and new things. We spent a lot of time exploring the outdoors and bug-collecting.  

Having growng up with only one sister, raising boys was different. My sons taught me what to do. Listening became a big part of my job: hearing what they had to say and waiting for them to figure out how to say it.

PARENTING CHILDREN: LISTENING AND RESPONDING

As my boys grew older, my job as a mom continued to grow: Now I was also a tutor for school work. I was an eavesdropper as they spoke in the car to each other and with their friends. I was given the big window into their lives in the car. The car became the place where we all reconnected. In the car, there was no competition for each other's attention. We spoke of many things in the car and learned all about boy-girl relationships and sex. For some reason, they always asked me the hardest questions while I was driving. I was glad that they could not see the shock on my face in the innocence of their intense questions.

I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a "stupid woman." I write this with a smile, as I know it is a stage that many pre-adolescents go through, thinking they are all-powerful and all-knowing and that their parents know nothing. My friends and I would laugh about this later, and I was proud that my children were confident in their power and knowledge.

PARENTING TEENS: MAKING SPACE FOR CHANGE

Now my older children are ages 11 and 13. My first teenager has bouts of love for me and intense anger about anything. He will come up to me to hug me and tell me that he loves me. The next day, he will tell me that I am ruining his life. I continue to follow my heart and love him everyday, and let him know it. I love hearing about everything that is going on in his life, as much as he is willing to share with me. I keep an open mind and let him know of my availability to hhim to talk about anything. I respect his privacy and his decisions. We have made certain agreements about his being able to call me to fish him out of any uncomfortable situation he finds himself in, no questions asked and no punishment offered. He is teaching me everyday, again, about growing up and being a teenager, about separation and relationship.

What he is going through is strikingly similar to what my toddler is going through. Two steps forward; one step back. Independent one day; learning on me the next. Growing and learning about his new body and intelligence and power and strength. Learning how to handle all the new feelings in his body. Learning how his parents fit into the big picture. He is a bright, articulate, strong, young man who has his future at his feet. He has every opportuity in the world before him. I have to learn patience as he takes his steps in navigating his unique journey in this world. I need to learn patience and trust in his process. I must learn when to talk and when to stay quiet.

PARENTING CHANGES AS CHILDREN GROW

I take time to talk with other parents with kids the same ages as mine. Some of these parents have been my "co-workers" in my parenting career since our older babies were the littlest of babies. Hearing what they have to say comforts me as I learn that, once again, what my children are doing is normal. Expectations must be adjusted once more, as even though our children are literally big, they are stil very focused on only themselves at times. Autonomy ebbs and flows. They move at their own pace. I must believe that what they are doing is the right thing to be doing at their age and stage of development.

Touch is still an essential tool in my parenting practices. Hugs, kisses, and telling them "I love you" are daily activities. I take affection any way I can get it from them, while understanding that it may come in other ways like wrestling with my boys. I continue to be emotionally available to them, at the drop of a pin. My boys keep busy, but we must be careful not to over-schedule as they still really need their down time. I must learn more about being involved without being intrusive.

Babies, toddlers, and adolescents are all strikingly similar. Parenting through it all, my mantra has been to follow my children's lead. I make decisions based on what works for today. I continue to follow my heart. I may make mistakes along the way, all a part of learning. I understand now how quickly they grow, and I cherish my time with all three of my sons, knowing one day they will be gone from my home and in their own with children of their own...and I will miss them tremendously.

How do you follow your child's lead in your parenting? 

My 5-year-old is happy as long as she's around me. As a baby, she would spend all day content in a sling that I wore. 

I found Nurturings when she was just over 1 year old. 

I had befriended a mom at a local breastfeeding support meeting. We had both researched how to start a Nurturings parents’ group. We each felt that a parenting support group was desperately needed in our local area. 

One month later, this friend and I held our first Nurturings group meeting. Since then, we've had many wonderful meetings, added group leaders, and made lots of new friends! I don't know what I would've done through the past many years without these other parents in my life.

I now have two daughters, my 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. I am thankful for Nurturings pointing me to the Eight Principles of Parenting, which have been my guiding force through my parenting approach with my children.

My oldest daughter was verbal at an early age, but she would only talk around me, my husband, and my mom. At Nurturings meetings, she wouldn't leave my side to play with the other children, even when the meetings were held in our home. Dear friends who had known my daughter all her life never heard her speak until she was 3 years old.

I was so fearful I was doing something wrong, causing my daughter to be so reserved, so I reached out to my Nurturings group with questions. It was suggested to learn ways to help me daughter ease her fears. I felt in my heart that I could equip my daughter with confidence and the support she needed to overcome this challenge. 

I learned that my first step was to make sure my daughter didn't feel guilty for not talking to people. That was harder than I thought it'd be. 

So many people in our lives -- friends, family, and strangers -- tried to elicit a verbal response from her by making her feel bad for not speaking to them. Others would stop talking to my daughter and instead talk about her in front of her since she didn't speak to them. Although I refused to describe her as "shy," other people used the word around her on an almost daily basis. My heart hurt for her.

Because of the parenting support I received from my Nurturings group, I focused on constantly reassuring my daughter that I love her and like her for who she is. I gave her lots of positive reinforcement. I stopped pressuring her to speak to other people.

I vividly remember one evening when we were getting ready to go visit my sister and her family to go swimming and have a family dinner. At first, my daughter was excited but then got a worried look on her face. I asked her what was bothering her, and she asked, "Mom, do I have to talk to Aunt Margaret?" I kneeled down, looked her in the eye, and said, "No, Honey, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. It's fine." 

The look of relief on my daughter's face was unmistakable as she replied, "Really, Mom? I really don't have to? It won't hurt her feelings?" I reassured her that no one's feelings would be hurt and that her aunt knew how much she liked her even if she didn't talk to her. My daughter wrapped her arms around my neck and thanked me. I hugged her back while choking back tears.

That was a turning point. That's when I solidified my role as an advocate for my daughter, talking to my family and friends about the importance of not pressuring her to talk.

In less than a year after this turning point, my daughter was talking to all of her family members. I remember crying when she walked up to my dad and asked him to read a book to her. My dad cried, too. I remember how my daughter was confused about what the big deal was!

After this, she began talking to other children at the swimming pool and to waiters at the restaurants we most frequent. 

My daughter will likely never be chatty and will likely continue to be considered reserved, preferring the company of other gentle and compassionate souls like hers. But she has become a confident, happy girl.

Me learning to accept her for who she is, my refusal to let myself and others burden her with derogatory labels, and our willingness to let her work through her anxiety on her own timetable has helped my daughter develop into a confident, happy girl. 

In what way is your child lovingly unique? How can you let your child know you love and appreciate him or her?