I have a new baby in my family. He is now 17 months old. My last baby was born 10 years earlier. The baby before this baby was born two years prior to my second.
When I look at my new baby, all I see is joy and love in his eyes. All his intentions are true and pure. He is my newest angel. I know that he does not manipulate or judge, his wants are his needs, and I have no problem meeting them. He nurses and all is right with the world. He sleeps and truly looks like an angel, our dream come true.
I remember looking adoringly at my first two babies. I loved to watch them sleep and trusted their souls completely. I watched them grow, and they taught me so much about what it means to be a happy family. They knew what they needed and had no problem letting me know. They both nursed untl they felt that they did not need to breastfeed any longer.
The challenges began as they grew.
PARENTING TODDLERS: DISCOVERING THE WORLD TOGETHER
As my children grew, there was an abundance of information about what they "should" be doing and when they "should" outgrow aspects of their babyhood/childhood. I continued to trust that my children knew what they were doing and however they were doing it was appropriate for them. This felt right for me.
I had to make adjustments to accomodate their interests, and I too began to become interested in the things they wanted to learn about. We took a multitude of field trips with friends to discover new plances and new things. We spent a lot of time exploring the outdoors and bug-collecting.
Having growng up with only one sister, raising boys was different. My sons taught me what to do. Listening became a big part of my job: hearing what they had to say and waiting for them to figure out how to say it.
PARENTING CHILDREN: LISTENING AND RESPONDING
As my boys grew older, my job as a mom continued to grow: Now I was also a tutor for school work. I was an eavesdropper as they spoke in the car to each other and with their friends. I was given the big window into their lives in the car. The car became the place where we all reconnected. In the car, there was no competition for each other's attention. We spoke of many things in the car and learned all about boy-girl relationships and sex. For some reason, they always asked me the hardest questions while I was driving. I was glad that they could not see the shock on my face in the innocence of their intense questions.
I made myself available to them whenever they needed. I tried to not interfere with their burgeoning independence. I tried not to act hurt when they acted like I was a "stupid woman." I write this with a smile, as I know it is a stage that many pre-adolescents go through, thinking they are all-powerful and all-knowing and that their parents know nothing. My friends and I would laugh about this later, and I was proud that my children were confident in their power and knowledge.
PARENTING TEENS: MAKING SPACE FOR CHANGE
Now my older children are ages 11 and 13. My first teenager has bouts of love for me and intense anger about anything. He will come up to me to hug me and tell me that he loves me. The next day, he will tell me that I am ruining his life. I continue to follow my heart and love him everyday, and let him know it. I love hearing about everything that is going on in his life, as much as he is willing to share with me. I keep an open mind and let him know of my availability to hhim to talk about anything. I respect his privacy and his decisions. We have made certain agreements about his being able to call me to fish him out of any uncomfortable situation he finds himself in, no questions asked and no punishment offered. He is teaching me everyday, again, about growing up and being a teenager, about separation and relationship.
What he is going through is strikingly similar to what my toddler is going through. Two steps forward; one step back. Independent one day; learning on me the next. Growing and learning about his new body and intelligence and power and strength. Learning how to handle all the new feelings in his body. Learning how his parents fit into the big picture. He is a bright, articulate, strong, young man who has his future at his feet. He has every opportuity in the world before him. I have to learn patience as he takes his steps in navigating his unique journey in this world. I need to learn patience and trust in his process. I must learn when to talk and when to stay quiet.
PARENTING CHANGES AS CHILDREN GROW
I take time to talk with other parents with kids the same ages as mine. Some of these parents have been my "co-workers" in my parenting career since our older babies were the littlest of babies. Hearing what they have to say comforts me as I learn that, once again, what my children are doing is normal. Expectations must be adjusted once more, as even though our children are literally big, they are stil very focused on only themselves at times. Autonomy ebbs and flows. They move at their own pace. I must believe that what they are doing is the right thing to be doing at their age and stage of development.
Touch is still an essential tool in my parenting practices. Hugs, kisses, and telling them "I love you" are daily activities. I take affection any way I can get it from them, while understanding that it may come in other ways like wrestling with my boys. I continue to be emotionally available to them, at the drop of a pin. My boys keep busy, but we must be careful not to over-schedule as they still really need their down time. I must learn more about being involved without being intrusive.
Babies, toddlers, and adolescents are all strikingly similar. Parenting through it all, my mantra has been to follow my children's lead. I make decisions based on what works for today. I continue to follow my heart. I may make mistakes along the way, all a part of learning. I understand now how quickly they grow, and I cherish my time with all three of my sons, knowing one day they will be gone from my home and in their own with children of their own...and I will miss them tremendously.
How do you follow your child's lead in your parenting?
