Every January presents us with the opportunity for a fresh start, for doing things differently to make positive changes in our families' lives.

Here are 9 resolutions that helped me engage in more peaceful parenting with my children and that I hope help you to create more joyful connection with your children this year:

1 - Become Aware of Moments of Frustration

Feeling frustrated is a part of being human. When your child is not being cooperative or your children are engaging in sibling rivalry, it is easy to let your frustration flare up and control your next words or actions. 

Take notice of a moment of frustration and focus on how it feels. Pause, but don't speak or act. Relax your entire body and allow the frustration to pass before moving forward. This is a challenging skill, so give yourself credit for each time you are able to pause and reflect before acting.

When were you able to pause during a moment of frustration today?

2 - See Your Child's Resistance as a Wake-Up Call

When your child resists your requests, you may need to examine how you make your requests and your level of connection. Children crave power and being heard and seen in the family. When they are frequently told what to do, even gently, they begin to resist. 

Use your child's resistance as a "check in" on the relationship. 

Have you been spending enough quality time with your child, in which you've been listening more than talking? Have you been allowing your child age-appropriate autonomy to make his or her own decisions?

3 - Become More Proactive Instead of Reactive

Setting rules and limits in advance is necessary for teaching children about boundaries, respect, and safety. 

Rules and limits work best when established respectfully in advance, and engaging your child to help you in creative them motivates him or her to acknowledge them and follow through. Keeping limits and boundaries in place may require posting them for all to see and reviewing them frequently, but don't overdo it.

In what little way can your child give input to the rules of the family?

4 - Speak Respectfully of the Other Parent

We all hope our children will grow up to become people of integrity, and they're more likely to do so if we give them a model to learn from. 

Whether you're separated, divorced, or just angry at your spouse, commit to always speaking respectfully about the other parent in the presence of your child. Your child relates to the other adult as his or her parent, regardless of the issue you may have with that adult.

How can you reframe your frustration with your child's other parent, for the sake of your child's heart?

5 - Make More Emotional Deposits Than Withdrawals

Think of your child as having an emotional bank account: Examples of deposits include encouraging words, acts of kindness, and demonstrations of love. 

Strive to make more deposits than withdrawals. The result will be greater cooperation and less undesirable behavior. 

What deposits have your made in your child's emotional bank account this week?

6 - See Your Child as Good, Not Bad

Children are not "bad." Instead, they may have learned behaviors that can be difficult to deal with. These behaviors can be coping skills or an attempt to meet needs. 

A few changes in how you guide your child can make a lot of difference in his or her behavior. One of these changes is to be more patient, kind, and open to learning about how you and your child uniquely relate to one another.

Does your child's frustrating behavior seem to happen when he or she is waiting? What are some ideas to help your child? 

7 - Find Ways to Acknowledge and Encourage Your Child

We're so good at noticing and confronting undesirable behavior, yet offering encouragement is far more powerful. Unfortunately, when our child is behaving as we like, we allow our attention to focus on other stressful things we have to do in our adult life.

Slow down and begin looking for opportunities to make positive observations to your child. Examples: "It looks like you are having a lot of fun playing with your sister!" or "Thank you for helping your brother build that block tower." 

What is something that your child does well? When can you mention this to your child?

8 - Consider If Your Child's 'Misbehavior' is Attempting to Meet a Need

Challenging behavior may signal that your child needs more of your loving attention in the moment, especially if you've been busy doing your own work for a while. 

Take a break from your tasks to spend time with your child, one-on-one if possible. This will help meet your child's needs for attention and connection that, when unmet, may be expressed in undesirable behavior.

When can you squeeze in a few minutes of one-one-one time with your child today?

9 - Give Your Child Notices of a Transition

Younger children live only in the moment and have great difficulty seeing beyond now. Because of this, they don't transition well without advance notices. 

Visual timers and visual schedules are incredibly effective at helping children to transition, because they enable the child to see how much time is passing and the activities that are planned next. If you don't have a visual reminder handy in a given moment, a countdown of verbal reminders is helpful. Be mindful to not start a countdown and then become distracted yourself with talking to another adult or doing another activity. 

A helpful, long-term approach is to narrate your own thought process, since kids learn from what we model. Examples: "Oh look at the time! We'd better start cleaning up." or "OK, we should be leaving in 5 minutes. That's time for two more trips down the slide."

What works best for you in giving your child an advance notice before ending playtime?  

#normalize nurturing

Like cooking turkey on Thanksgiving or giving flowers on Valentine's Day, I cannot help feeling the tug of this time of year to pause and reflect.

Yes, January 1 is just the next day after December 31. But it feels like a beginning, and the part of me that loves rituals and traditions always comes forward with thoughts and questions:

• Does the way I live reflect what I believe?
• Do I treat my family the way I want to be treated?
• Do I take care of myself with as much care, time, and energy as I do my children?

These are lifelong questions and not easily answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

In thinking about this New Year, I imagine my answers turning from "sometimes yes" to "mostly yes." And what can I do to make this true?

The simple act of reflection helps: checking in with myself regularly and remembering to ask the questions; taking a moment each day, week, or month to revisit and think about the choices I'm making.

This is not an exercise in perfection but rather the setting of an intention to live with more love, forgiveness, and joy.

What are your questions?

#normalizenurturing

Parents spend a significant amount of time talking to kids. We have a lifetime of information and lessons to share with them, and we're constantly searching for the most effective ways to talk to our kids so they will listen to all we have to say. 

In parent-child relationships, it's listening that begets listening.

Listening nonjudgmentally to children allows them to feel accepted. When parents listen for a sense of understanding - that is, recognizing who our children are and what they are communicating beyond the presence of any adversarial words or behaviors - children feel understood and secure in the relationship. When we take time to listen to children, our relationships deepen.

How do you communicate to your kids that you hear and accept them? Here are 6 tips for strengthening your relationships with your children through improved listening skills:

1. Don't solve - Don't tell your child what she should do. This takes away from her ability to figure something out for herself. When children come to a parent to talk, they're looking more for validation and support than answers and directions. No matter a child's age, when she decides for herself what to do, she assumes responsibility and gains confidence.
2. Don't judge - Refrain from imparting any evaluations (positive or negative) of what your children tell you. Instead, help identify feelings and ask questions to help him arrive at his own assessment of the situation. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: "When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism." When kids are worried about receiving criticism from parents, they are less likely to come to us to share problems or difficulties, which is exactly the kind of thing we do want from them!
3. Don't assume - Give your child the benefit of the doubt. When your child is telling you about a fight she got into, don't wonder what she did to start it. Start each conversation fresh, with no assumptions based on past behavior. Listening with an open mind gives a child the chance to see her own situation objectively, arrive at her own solutions, and make her own decisions.
4. Do summarize - Repeat back what you have heard and what you understand. The first step in effective listening is simply to understand. This part is just about proving that your child has your full attention and about getting the facts straight. For example: "So when you asked your friend if you could borrow a toy, she said no?"
5. Do empathize - Identify your child's feelings for him. Put his emotions into words. This will not only help him feel validated, it will also help him gain clarity for himself. For example: "Hmm, you must have felt very unsafe" or "Sounds like your feelings were hurt" or "That probably made you feel very angry." These kinds of empathic responses communicate understanding and acceptance.
6. Do ask - Rather than provide a solution to the problem, ask questions about it. This lets a child know that you seek to understand her perspective and that you have faith in her ability to figure things out. For example: "What was that like?" or "What happened next?" or "What did you decide to do?"

Here are a couple of my favorite books to learn more about this aspect of parenting: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Both of these helpful resources emphasize listening skills as a cornerstone of strong relationships. 

#normalizenurturing