Some days, I feel like I do a pretty good job of balancing my career, my family, and myself. Other days, it feels like I'm falling desperately behind and failing on all three counts.

Why do I feel so unbalanced? Why do I feel like I'm not doing enough with my kids or at work or for myself?

I think part of it is the expectation in our society that we need to achieve balance, that we need to spend time with our kids, that we need to get recognized and promoted at work, that we need to be perfect wives, that we need to carve out time for ourselves. If we fail on any of those fronts, the guilt starts again.

I haven't found a perfect solution, but I feel like I'm progressing in finding that balance, particularly in being more present for my kids, which is the most important element of balance for me. These are some of the adjustments that I've made that have helped me create more time with my kids:

Strive For Balance Over Time, Not Necessarily Every Day

If I try to achieve perfect balance each day, I will fail. If I stay flexible, I may have a fighting chance. 

When my son was born, I decided to start my own business where I get to decide how to balance my family and my clients. I decide how much work to take on, and I decide when enough is enough.

I work more hours during certain times of the year, often working several hours at night after the kids are in bed. I also take almost two months of vacation each year to spend exclusively with my kids. Sometimes I take a night to go with friends, but if my kids need me, I may have to put my social activities on hold. I need to work some weekends; other weekends, I take an extra day off to focus on family. 

Take Advantage of the Time We Do Have

Whenever possible, I try to bring my kids into my daily routine. My son likes to help me bake and cook, so I involve him in meal preparation. It helps him learn how to get around in a kitchen and also gives us special time together. 

I drive my son to school each day and pick him up, a total of about an hour in the car together each day. We have developed a repertoire of games and conversations, and I really cherish this time. 

Instead of leaving my daughter at home with my husband while I go grocery shopping, I take her with me and talk to her as we go through the aisles. Sometimes having her along makes these tasks a little longer or more hectic, but I think it is worth it in the end.

Share Sleep

I have heard so many working parents complain about how little time they have with their kids during the week. Some parents arrive home from work at 6 p.m. and have their little ones in bed by 7 p.m. We do manage to sneak in more than an hour of time together in the evenings; usually I end up having close to three hours with my kids at home before bedtime. 

Being together doesn't end there. I find that sharing sleep time to be an essential way of staying close, even when we can't spend as much waking time together as we would like. (For babies younger than 6 months old, reference Infant Sleep Safety Guidelines from Nurturings.) 

Plan Dates With My Kids

I try to set aside special dates with my kids. When we stay home, we do get some time together but that is often combined with doing the laundry, checking email, cooking meals, cleaning up, and all the other things that get in the way of focusing on each other. 

On weekends, I try to carve off half days to go out and do special activities like a walk or a visit to a museum with one or both of the kids. In the summer, I take Mondays off and often spend the day out and about with one kid or the other, going to the park, stopping at a cafe for a snack, visiting the bookstore, or eating ice cream. Sometimes my husband brings my daughter to meet me for lunch. Every once in a while, my son and I go out for an early dinner after school before going home. 

Editor's note: Another idea is to plan playdates for the kids with another parent or two in your friendship circle! Even just meeting at the city park for an hour or so can be replenishing. If you're feeling stretched thin or unbalanced, don't hesitate to reach out to your parenting support network. We need one another through this parenting journey!

Read Together 

Reading is a way of sharing stories and ideas, gives me and my children another way to bond, provides a stepping-off point to discuss feelings and topics of importance, to develop hobbies, and to laugh together. 

I read to my kids every day. Even when everything else is falling apart, I try to keep this as a constant. 

We have books everywhere in the house. We have books in the car. We have books in the diaper bag. Anywhere we go, I bring books.

Accept "Less Than Perfect"

My husband helps out a lot around the house. Among the chores that we share or that I do, I've accepted that I don't need to be perfect all of the time. 

Some weeks, I get my daughter and myself dressed out of an unfolded and unsorted hamper of clean clothes. Often I pay the bills once a month, rather than paying them as they arrive. I started out making my own baby food but then gave up and went for store-bought baby food instead. My hair looks better when blow-dried, but except on the coldest winter days or at the most special events, I leave the house with wet hair.

Balance is not one-size-fits-all. In what ways have you discovered how to spend more time with your kids?

#normalizenurturing

I thought I kept my car clean and tidy.

Then my husband walked in the door, waved a diaper in the air and said, "Hey, look what I found in the trunk!" It was quite a surprise: With our kids being 10 and 7 years old, the diaper era is long gone for us.

I placed the diaper on the kitchen counter. I stared at it and felt a sense of relief and a hint of joy. Memories started to flood my mind. 

How I didn't miss those diapers. How I didn't miss the sleepless nights.

I used to joke around, saying that my babies had a unique "no sleep" gene. For five years, my nights were occupied by breastfeeding, changing diapers, and rocking babies who grew into toddlers into preschoolers...five years of constantly interrupted sleep.

I then felt a tug in my tummy as other memories began to stream into my mind: How I miss the warmth of their little bodies next to mine. How I miss opening my eyes in the morning to the sight of their beautiful, peaceful faces. How I miss their sweet baby scent, their glowing smiles, and their innocence. How I miss the monumental milestones that engulf a parent's heart with pride and joy.

A few days earlier, my husband and I had gone on a rare road trip with just the two of us. About about an hour of an usually quiet drive, he looked at me and said in a tone of concern, "Wow, soon the kids will not want to spend the weekends with us. What are we going to do?" It was a startling realization. I replied that I didn't know, added that we will figure it out, and that maybe we should just do what we used to do before we had kids.

A part of me felt a sense of liberation. My husband and I made countless memories traveling and exploring away our pre-kid days. Recapturing those days sounded appealing. 

Another part of me felt very sad and nostalgic: I couldn't imagine our weekends not revolving around our kids. I could only imagine how much I will miss their constant presence.

A few days later, I found myself staring at the long-lost diaper. It was a stark reminder that the only constant in life is change. It is the essence of life. Clearly we witness our kids grow, develop, and change right in front of our eyes. The challenges, the rewards, and the joys of parenthood never cease to exist.

Today, with the exception of infrequent nights occupied with worry or our nocturnal pets keeping us up, our nights are quiet and restful. Gone are the sleepless nights, the separation anxiety, and what at times felt like suffocating dependency. Nowadays, hovering around are challenges of a different kind: Discipline, sibling bickering, and school. 

Today's priceless rewards include observing our kids independent and confident beings, watching them foster their own unique personalities and forge strong friendships, and most of all, I marvel at their ability to face their own challenges, strive, and overcome.

Every age and every stage bring a unique set of challenges and blessings. Much like a rose, with all its beauty and blossom, parenthood has thorns. I am facing the challenges comforted by knowing that they too will pass. I am experiencing the blessings and rewards, recognizing that they will likely be nostalgic in the future.

The one constant frame is the unconditional commitment and love that comes with the role of being a parent. Possibly, if I can embrace it all, I can endure and treasure the present as well as the future with all that it has to offer.

What will you miss from this stage of parenting? How can you enjoy more of the time with your child in the moment?

#normalizenurturing

My 9-year-old son has never said "I love you."

I honestly never gave it a second thought until I realized I was being told "I love you" multiple times daily by my 5-year-old daughter. For the first time, I began to wonder why my son never said it, neither to me nor to anybody else that I know of. 

While I would never in a million years intimidate him into saying this phrase, the idea that he never said them made me a little sad.

I've said "I love you" to him every day of his life. I harbor no doubt that he loves me intensely, but he's never said the words. It's not that he's emulating his father, because his dad says "I love you" quite often to me and to the kids. Why isn't our son saying it?

My son is funny and joyful and intelligent. He's considerate, respectful, and kind. He likes to play with the neighborhood kids. He carries his backpack on one shoulder, the way the kids do at his school. He high-fives his friends. He air-guitars. To him, I haven't been "Mama" or "Mommy" in years; I'm "Mom."

It was this last thought that sparked the lightbulb over my head. 

I immediately realized that, several times a day, the kid who always calls me "Mom" gives me a large, clinging hug while simultaneously very happily sighing "Mommy." A single hug from him lasts several minutes, and while he never says the words, that wonderfully content sigh of "Mommy" is his "I love you."

This recognition turned my perspective around! No, my son has never said the distinct words of "I love you," but he says he loves me every single day; I just wasn't listening to him. I listen to him now.

In what ways other than saying "I love you," does your child communicate that he or she loves you? How can you communicate your love for your child today without words?

#normalizenurturing