I always wanted to be a daddy. I just never knew how much it would change me.

I call that first year of parenthood the most rewarding challenge I ever went through. Not that I would have changed it for the world, but I believe most parents understand what I mean.

Naturally most parents think their child is beautiful. Even with a little mushed face and purple foot, I felt the same. I was especially proud of the fact that while my son laid under a heating lamp in the hospital, I thought that he looked more developed than the other babies.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but suddenly I learned a new fear I will never lose until I am gone: In a moment somewhere in time, I understood that I would always wish for the best and fear the worst for my child indefinitely.

It seems as if, in a flash, that the world I had grown up in was no longer predominantly focused on me. My focus was now this baby.

I was overjoyed to be a daddy. I cried at the sight of him, but my mind raced with questions. : How do I immediately love someone that I have no history with? Should I feel guilty that here was this new creature that I love yet don't really communicate with beyond his needs? I wondered who my baby would grow to be.

I found myself watching every breath while he slept, and I would peer into the crib if he seemed too silent. I was beyond gentle, as if this new entity was in fact an ancient artifact as fragile as parchment.

Could I be a good daddy?

Two months after his birth, I was making some sounds and my son looked at me and smiled. In that moment of connection, my heart melted. Still, I wondered: I want to be an affectionate daddy, but is there such a thing as too much affection? Should Mommy be more affectionate than Daddy? I decided to throw caution to the wind. I wanted my child to grow up knowing that he is deeply loved through action and words of affection.

There are parents who essentially try to have their children become what they were not able to become or to be just like them. I believe that is confining. More and more, I find the true gift to my children to be a parent who allows them to discover their own path and support their positive choices.

I've learned that I am not perfect and that I make mistakes, but I am patient. I'm willing to learn as I go, as much as I hope my teaching sinks in. I know teaching isn't just preaching, that setting an example and following through with my word carries more impact. The greatest gifts I can give my two boys are love, guidance, affection, and my attentive time. The gift has been given both ways, as I've gained a greater happiness with myself.

Despite all the trials and tribulations we endure, being a parent can be so fulfilling. The first step is accepting ourselves and loving ourselves as the imperfect individuals we are; share that with your children. In this way, we will not seek the material things in life to find happiness, as we already have it in our hearts.

Being a parent has made me so happy and whole. I have become more forgiving, more accepting, more insightful, and above all, more loving. In all of the things I've done and accomplished, my family is my greatest creation and treasure: the one I am most proud of.

How has becoming a father changed you? What fears about parenthood have you overcome? What goals do you have for your children as they grow? What goals do you have for yourself? 

#normalizenurturing

This Father's Day, we meet Thiago Queiroz, a dad who has been absolutely on fire for supporting other fathers in his native Brazil since his oldest of 4 children was born a decade ago.

Many dads have been able to "meet" Thiago through his role in the American documentary, Dads. Directed by Bryce Dallas Howard, this film illustrates contemporary fatherhood through interviews with celebrities and everyday men what being a father means to them. Premiered at the 2019 Toronto International Film Festival in Canada, where it was named second runner-up for the People's Choice Award for Documentaries, Dads released in 2020 on Apple TV+.

Thiago is passionate about supporting fathers. We congratulate him on this work through his portrait on Dads.

Q: To begin, how did you find Nurturings?

THIAGO: When my first son was born, I was feeling a bit lost, trying to understand how I could raise my child. My own parenting references were not of the nurturing kind, and the only thing I felt was that I wanted to do it differently with my child.

Also, for being a father in Brazil, I didn't have any references of fathers who were actually involved in raising their kids, because our society only expects moms to really take care of their kids while the dads are seen as unable to take care of their baby. That didn't make any sense for me at that time, and still doesn't, so I started researching different views on child-rearing.

Gladly I found Nurturings, one of the best things that happened to me, because I started to understand how we can build strong emotional bonds with our children. More importantly, I understood how I, as a father, could do so many things with my baby.

Q: What are your thoughts about Dads as a film?

THIAGO: We need to have more examples and role models for diverse and loving fatherhood. Fatherhood is not a simple thing and being able to show the world how different men can care and love their children is not only important but urgent.

Those similar experiences are exactly what connect us. Having a mainstream documentary on fatherhood is a huge thing, especially when this documentary takes the subject very seriously, not portraying fathers as buffoons or mothers' helpers.

Q: What is it like to challenge the status quo of fatherhood in Brazil?

THIAGO: It's very challenging, because people around me, especially men, don't understand why I should be taking care of my kids so closely and lovingly if there's already a mother doing this.

We live in a society that has a strong "macho" culture, so it's difficult to find peers who understand the importance of creating strong and safe bonds between fathers and children.

Q: What tips can you offer men to rise to this challenge of choosing to be nurturing fathers?

THIAGO: My tip is, look out for other men like you. We might not be many yet, but we really need to get together and start talking about toxic masculinity, for instance, and how it affects the way we parent our children.

Being a nurturing dad is the best gift you can give to your child but also to yourself, your wife, and society. Let's find our peers and overcome these challenges, inviting other men to reflect on this, too. 

#normalizenurturing

My friend, Nichole, and her husband both work full-time. Their 2-year-old daughter spends the day with a childcare provider who has cared for her during work days since she was 6 weeks old. Nichole's husband picks up their daughter from the childcare center. 

Oftentimes, Nichole comes home after a 45-minute commute tired, wanting to relax and spend time playing happily with her daughter.

When her daughter was younger, Nichole would breastfeed to reconnect in the evenings. As her daughter grew into a toddler and weaned, the challenge of creating a peaceful evening has mounted. 

Her daughter, hungry for her mother's attention, seems to push the limits constantly, often bringing home acting-out behaviors she has learned from older children at daycare. 

While Nichole believes that discipline is important, she doesn't want to ruin everything so she tends to discipline inconsistently, choosing not to discipline when it appears her child is starting to tantrum.

Discipline is an important part of parenting, according to the Attached at the Heart Parenting Education Program. A key part of discipline is that it is focused on teaching the child, not by reacting to the child's behavior, but by proactively meeting the child's needs.

Reconnecting after being apart, whether for an hour or during the workday, is essential for families. Children may act out if they feel they aren't receiving enough undivided attention from their parents. 

To help ease the transition, include some of these simple activities into your transition times to fill your child with the loving attention they need and help them go more calmly into the next phase of the day: 

• Give a hug - Don't underestimate the power of nurturing touch in changing attitudes, your child's and yours.
• Involve your child in setting rules - Children are generally more enthusiastic about following rules that they've had a part in setting. 
• Include your child in your chores - Your child will feel empowered when you ask him for help instead of lecturing or scolding. Instead of getting angry that there are toys all over the floor of the family room, ask your child to help you clean them up.
• Regularly schedule special time with your child - Set aside some one-on-one time together with each of your children. Try 10-15 minutes a day and then build up. You could play a board game, play hide-and-seek, draw a picture together, turn on music and dance together, etc. Actually putting this one-on-one time in your calendar means you're making it a priority even when an evening is hectic.
• Take time to listen and share - Ask your child to share her happiest and saddest moments of the day. Perhaps you do this during your special time together, at bedtime, or some other set time every evening. Listen without trying to solve your child's problems, and then take your turn to tell your own happy and sad moments.
• Write a note to your child - Put a handwritten note in your child's lunch box, on his pillow, or tape it to the bathroom mirror. The notes, like hugs, give your child a boost during the day.
• Take advantage of errands - Whether you're going grocery shopping, to the bank, or dropping off mail at the post office, the drive time during these errands provides additional one-on-one time for your child. If you have several children, have them take turns. Take this time to listen to whatever your child wants to talk about, and share special stories from your life such as when you were younger.

By taking the time to reconnect with our children, we are not only fulfilling their child's needs but also giving ourselves exactly what we need: children who feel right with themselves and with their families, and who are less likely to act out. 

If a child does have a tantrum or otherwise acts out, it's important to remember that this is something all children (and adults) do sometimes. What they need most from us is sensitive responsiveness and guidance on their behavior from a place of empathy.

In what ways do you reconnect with your child after time away? 

#normalizenurturing