I never felt like I could get angry as a child. My parents sure did, but I got the message loud and clear that I was supposed to keep the peace, be good, and above all, never ever lose my cool. As a parent, I found myself getting angry at my child for being angry.

That was a red flag.

I felt helpless when she was upset. I wanted to fix it, fix her, just make it better. 

I felt resentful. How could she be unhappy, when I was working so hard to make her world wonderful?

I heard myself using words to try to shut down her anger. I gave lectures. I offered new activities. I reminded her of good things, fun things. And sometimes, I got angry back.

It was time to do some work, on myself. I've found the Nurturings community so valuable for this kind of support. There is always someone who can share a book, an experience, or a shoulder. 

This time, the book and surrounding conversation that hit the spot was Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham: What if I let my daughter be angry? What if I just listened and empathized but didn't try to fix it? 

This was going to be tough, but I made a commitment to try something new.

The next time my daughter felt angry was when it was time to turn off the TV. This time, I just stayed still. In the past, her anger was my call to jump into action, but this time, I just watched.

It felt very strange not to be saying or doing something.

She stomped around the house. She yelled. She scowled. She yelled some more.

I tried some empathy: "It sounds like you are very frustrated that we have to turn off the TV now."

It's not FAIR!!" she yelled.

I tried again: "I know you don't like that the TV is going off, but we had an agreement about how long you can watch."

"It's just not FAIR!!" she screamed again.

Here is where I did something really new: I gave her some pace, just let her be. I walked to the other side of the room and started puttering. I have to admit that my heart was pounding. I really, really, really just wanted to turn the TV back on, give her ice cream, or yell back at her. But I just kept organizing the crayons.

After a while, my daughter picked up a book. I puttered for a little bit longer and then sat down next to her with my own book. We sat side by side for a long time, just breathing.

"I love you when you're angry, you know," I said, pulling her close. She looked at me with disbelief.

"I love you when you are angry. I love you when you are happy, sad, mad, glad, bored, excited, sleeping, awake, home, or somewhere else. I love you, no matter what."

Our kids give us such opportunities to heal and to do things differently. Old patterns are strong. We have to work, not on our kids, but on ourselves.

#normalizenurturing

Happy, confident, caring children grow up in an atmosphere of flexibility and trust, supported by respectful and realistic parents who do not see challenging behaviors as indications that there is a problem with their children.

Adults and children share many of the behaviors considered to be "problem behaviors" when exhibited by children. Why is there a "problem child" but not a "problem parent"? 

The "Problem Parent" Self-Assessment

Do you ever...

...talk with your mouth full?

...skip the broccoli but eat the ice cream?

...have trouble choosing what to wear?

...forget to say "please" or "thank you"?

...stay up past your bedtime?

...prefer not to sleep alone?

...forget to brush your teeth?

...spill anything?

...break a bowl or plate?

...get food stains on your clothes?

...cry when upset?

...fidget when bored or nervous?

...break a bowl of plate?

...get food stains on your clothes?

...cry when upset?

...fidget when bored or nervous?

...become irritable when tired or ill?

...decide not to share your things?

...not come promptly when called?

...leave your clothes and things around?

...prefer playing or relaxing to doing chores?

...need repeated reminders?

...have trouble buying only essential items when shopping?

...speak too loudly?

...get distracted?

...daydream?

...feel annoyed at being told what to do?

...have trouble getting along with others?

...avoid eye contact during heated moments?

...seek others' undivided attention?

...become withdrawn when not getting the support you need?

...feel indignant when people don't take your feelings or concerns seriously?

...enjoy having others serve you?

...need support when upset or scared?

...forget where you put something?

...forget to birng along your jacket?

...need approval?

...tell little lies to protect yourself from disapproval?

...get frustrated when not given the benefit of the doubt?

...become frustrated when you can't figure out how to do something?

...become adamant about doing or learning things in your own way, and in your own time?

...feel upset when you can't meet others' expectations?

...have trouble controlling your emotions?

...become irritable for no apparent reason?

...reject cuddles and kisses?

...walk away when lectured to?

...have difficulty saying "I'm sorry"?

...become uncomfortable when others talk about you in your presence, as if you weren't there?

...feel stressed when rushed?

...react negatively to threats, bribes, or other forms of manipulation?

...get overwhelmed by complex instructions or explanations?

...become sad when you feel misunderstood?

...complain when you don't get your way?

...complain when you have to sit in the car for a long time?

...complain when the weather isn't cooperating with your plans?

...need reassurance that you are loved and valued?

People of any age can be labeled as "problems," but only if we choose to perceive them that way. I must confess to you that I answer many of the above questions with a "yes." If I am honest with myself and fair to my children, and have a sense of humor, I should refer to myself as a "problem parent."

Perhaps the self-acknowledged "problem parents" among us, myself included, can agree to do away with the label. The label is the problem, not the person, no matter their age.

Parents are much older and have accumulated learning and life experiences, while children are fresh to the world and have much to learn, but the learning hasn't stopped for parents. Our children can offer us so much through their innocently insightful perspective. Parents can learn and grow alongside their children. Consider this quote from C.G. Jung: "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

Take This Self-Assessment a Step Further

List your child's behaviors that are of concern to you. Include any behaviors that you feel need to be corrected, whether they evoke a strongly negative response from you. Mark the behaviors that do evoke a strongly negative response from you. 

Compare this list with your self-assessment:

• Which behaviors do you share with your child?
• Which behaviors that you share with your child are behaviors that evoked a strongly negative response from your own parents, a teacher, or another caregiver?

Other people, especially those closest to us, act as a mirror for us. Sometimes we see in them what we like about ourselves. Sometimes they reflect back to us aspects of ourselves that we don't like. Because our own children can be our most powerful mirrors, they offer us our greatest opportunities to learn and grow.

Thus, when I am bothered by my child's behavior, I need to ask myself: 

• When I see what I like about myself in my child, how do I respond to her?
• When I see what I don't like, how do I respond to her?
• Why do I respond in the ways that I do?
• What can I learn about myself?

#normalizenurturing

Research has shown that positive childhood experiences help children grow into healthy, resilient adults. These positive experiences can be categorized into what we call the four building blocks of HOPE: relationships, environments, engagement, and emotional growth.

What is HOPE? HOPE, which stands for Healthy Outcomes from Positive Experiences, is a renewed way of seeing and talking about experiences to better support children's growth and development into healthy, resilient adults. 

Many organizations are working to incorporate HOPE into their approach to supporting parents and families. Nurturings is among these organizations.

Let's take a deeper look at the first building block of HOPE: Relationships. 

Individuals that recall being in nurturing, supportive relationships during childhood experience significantly lower rates of depression and poor mental health during adulthood. What kind of relationships?

• Foundational relationships with parents who respond to a child's needs and offer warm, responsive reactions;
• Adults outside the family who take a genuine interest in a child and support their growth and development;
• Healthy, close, and positive relationships with peers.

What can you do to promote these kinds of relationships?

• Be a supportive relationship by taking the time to connect with the children around you.
• Share information about youth activities where children might connect with coaches, mentors, or peers.
• Ask parents about the positive experiences they remember from childhood and what made those experiences good. Celebrate with them, and encourage them to think about how they can offer the same experiences to their children.
• Share information about parent-child attachment. Validate and reflect back when you see warm reactions between the parent and child.
• Ask about other positive adults in the child's life: coaches, teachers, pastors, mentors. Celebrate these relationships and encourage consistent connection with these individuals.
• Play and connect with your children regularly. Be silly. Incorporate movement. Read a book. Watch a movie. 

It takes a village. The larger the village, the more opportunities a child has for connection and support.

Interested in learning more? Join us at the 3rd annual virtual HOPE Summit on March 29-30.

#normalizenurturing