Jackie informed me yesterday that, when she has her own children, she will never tell them "no." Never. I smiled and wished her luck with that. Today, after coming home from school, she informed me that she thinks she might sometimes need to tell them "no." Sometimes.

Jackie is a healthy, mostly happy 11-year-old child with special needs. What makes her unique is that she has pervasive developmental disorder. While this may look different in every child, for Jackie it means that she has some autistic features mixed with a possible mood disorder, though some days I wonder if her mood swings are more related to her approaching "coming of age." (I do not believe there can be anything more emotional than impending menstrual cycles for a young pre-teen. Sigh. When did I become the mother of a pre-teen?)

Over the years, I have learned how to be more responsive and more intuitive to Jackie's needs. My husband and I can often sense what she needs from us and her environment, which is key to our preventing meltdowns and struggles.

We also feel strongly that we help her by having a support system for ourselves. We rely on a support team of family, friends, and people from the school system who work with Jackie. Sometimes we need respite care, an extra set of hands, or a parents' night out. 

Our sitters are well trained to work with children like Jackie, and all of our kids look forward to the special playtime. We enjoy coming home relaxed and rejuvenated, knowing we are in a better place to cope with any challenges that might arise.

One of the hardest challenges with raising a special needs child is trying to keep people, including us as her parents, from attempting to force her into being a "typical" child. Jackie is different. She will always be different, and I celebrate that difference.

That said, it's not all roses. There are some thorns. We have struggled with defining what Jackie needs in her school environment. We have also struggled with therapists and psychiatrists who have tired a one-size-fits-all approach to Jackie's challenges, including the use of medication.

We resisted using any medications for a long time, despite the pressure to do so. When we had our fourth child, things really bottomed out for Jackie. She was in such emotional pain. We decided it was unfair to not at least investigate medications. We started out with high hopes.

We tried half a dozen medications over the course of 18 months. I know some children receive relief from medication, but Jackie never did. In fact, they had a negative effect on her. She seemed even worse. It was heartbreaking. We ended the trial and weaned her off all medication.

Jackie hit a new low while weaning from the medications. After a month, she seemed herself again. She become more in control of her emotions and behaviors, and her humor returned. I hadn't quite realized how much I had missed that. She seemed settled. I cannot quite explain it, but she just seemed more like the daughter that we knew and loved, quirks and all.

It's been about six months since she quit the medication trial. Jackie continues to improve. She takes two steps forward, one step back. (Sometimes it's more like two steps forward, three steps back.) She was recently able to transition from the special needs school bus to the regular school bus, which was an important milestone for her. Jackie continues to improve, even though the path is never a straight line but one step at a time.

No matter how much we attempt to prepare her to be confident, as she gets older, there will always be the pull to be more like the "typical" children. She will always want to be "normal." We embrace Jackie as she is. We have taught all of our children that each person is unique, and we encourage them to be accepting of others, even those who face challenges that may make them difficult to deal with.

How do you allow your child to be different? How do you allow yourself to be different from other parents?

#normalizenurturing

I never felt like I could get angry as a child. My parents sure did, but I got the message loud and clear that I was supposed to keep the peace, be good, and above all, never ever lose my cool. As a parent, I found myself getting angry at my child for being angry.

That was a red flag.

I felt helpless when she was upset. I wanted to fix it, fix her, just make it better. 

I felt resentful. How could she be unhappy, when I was working so hard to make her world wonderful?

I heard myself using words to try to shut down her anger. I gave lectures. I offered new activities. I reminded her of good things, fun things. And sometimes, I got angry back.

It was time to do some work, on myself. I've found the Nurturings community so valuable for this kind of support. There is always someone who can share a book, an experience, or a shoulder. 

This time, the book and surrounding conversation that hit the spot was Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham: What if I let my daughter be angry? What if I just listened and empathized but didn't try to fix it? 

This was going to be tough, but I made a commitment to try something new.

The next time my daughter felt angry was when it was time to turn off the TV. This time, I just stayed still. In the past, her anger was my call to jump into action, but this time, I just watched.

It felt very strange not to be saying or doing something.

She stomped around the house. She yelled. She scowled. She yelled some more.

I tried some empathy: "It sounds like you are very frustrated that we have to turn off the TV now."

It's not FAIR!!" she yelled.

I tried again: "I know you don't like that the TV is going off, but we had an agreement about how long you can watch."

"It's just not FAIR!!" she screamed again.

Here is where I did something really new: I gave her some pace, just let her be. I walked to the other side of the room and started puttering. I have to admit that my heart was pounding. I really, really, really just wanted to turn the TV back on, give her ice cream, or yell back at her. But I just kept organizing the crayons.

After a while, my daughter picked up a book. I puttered for a little bit longer and then sat down next to her with my own book. We sat side by side for a long time, just breathing.

"I love you when you're angry, you know," I said, pulling her close. She looked at me with disbelief.

"I love you when you are angry. I love you when you are happy, sad, mad, glad, bored, excited, sleeping, awake, home, or somewhere else. I love you, no matter what."

Our kids give us such opportunities to heal and to do things differently. Old patterns are strong. We have to work, not on our kids, but on ourselves.

#normalizenurturing

Happy, confident, caring children grow up in an atmosphere of flexibility and trust, supported by respectful and realistic parents who do not see challenging behaviors as indications that there is a problem with their children.

Adults and children share many of the behaviors considered to be "problem behaviors" when exhibited by children. Why is there a "problem child" but not a "problem parent"? 

The "Problem Parent" Self-Assessment

Do you ever...

...talk with your mouth full?

...skip the broccoli but eat the ice cream?

...have trouble choosing what to wear?

...forget to say "please" or "thank you"?

...stay up past your bedtime?

...prefer not to sleep alone?

...forget to brush your teeth?

...spill anything?

...break a bowl or plate?

...get food stains on your clothes?

...cry when upset?

...fidget when bored or nervous?

...break a bowl of plate?

...get food stains on your clothes?

...cry when upset?

...fidget when bored or nervous?

...become irritable when tired or ill?

...decide not to share your things?

...not come promptly when called?

...leave your clothes and things around?

...prefer playing or relaxing to doing chores?

...need repeated reminders?

...have trouble buying only essential items when shopping?

...speak too loudly?

...get distracted?

...daydream?

...feel annoyed at being told what to do?

...have trouble getting along with others?

...avoid eye contact during heated moments?

...seek others' undivided attention?

...become withdrawn when not getting the support you need?

...feel indignant when people don't take your feelings or concerns seriously?

...enjoy having others serve you?

...need support when upset or scared?

...forget where you put something?

...forget to birng along your jacket?

...need approval?

...tell little lies to protect yourself from disapproval?

...get frustrated when not given the benefit of the doubt?

...become frustrated when you can't figure out how to do something?

...become adamant about doing or learning things in your own way, and in your own time?

...feel upset when you can't meet others' expectations?

...have trouble controlling your emotions?

...become irritable for no apparent reason?

...reject cuddles and kisses?

...walk away when lectured to?

...have difficulty saying "I'm sorry"?

...become uncomfortable when others talk about you in your presence, as if you weren't there?

...feel stressed when rushed?

...react negatively to threats, bribes, or other forms of manipulation?

...get overwhelmed by complex instructions or explanations?

...become sad when you feel misunderstood?

...complain when you don't get your way?

...complain when you have to sit in the car for a long time?

...complain when the weather isn't cooperating with your plans?

...need reassurance that you are loved and valued?

People of any age can be labeled as "problems," but only if we choose to perceive them that way. I must confess to you that I answer many of the above questions with a "yes." If I am honest with myself and fair to my children, and have a sense of humor, I should refer to myself as a "problem parent."

Perhaps the self-acknowledged "problem parents" among us, myself included, can agree to do away with the label. The label is the problem, not the person, no matter their age.

Parents are much older and have accumulated learning and life experiences, while children are fresh to the world and have much to learn, but the learning hasn't stopped for parents. Our children can offer us so much through their innocently insightful perspective. Parents can learn and grow alongside their children. Consider this quote from C.G. Jung: "If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves."

Take This Self-Assessment a Step Further

List your child's behaviors that are of concern to you. Include any behaviors that you feel need to be corrected, whether they evoke a strongly negative response from you. Mark the behaviors that do evoke a strongly negative response from you. 

Compare this list with your self-assessment:

• Which behaviors do you share with your child?
• Which behaviors that you share with your child are behaviors that evoked a strongly negative response from your own parents, a teacher, or another caregiver?

Other people, especially those closest to us, act as a mirror for us. Sometimes we see in them what we like about ourselves. Sometimes they reflect back to us aspects of ourselves that we don't like. Because our own children can be our most powerful mirrors, they offer us our greatest opportunities to learn and grow.

Thus, when I am bothered by my child's behavior, I need to ask myself: 

• When I see what I like about myself in my child, how do I respond to her?
• When I see what I don't like, how do I respond to her?
• Why do I respond in the ways that I do?
• What can I learn about myself?

#normalizenurturing