This weekend, I was able to spend two whole days with just my son. It surprised me how I was able to connect with him in a way that is not usually possible when we are with the rest of our family.

I was able to see what he really wanted to do when the choice was all his. I came to understand his love of swords and robots, of which I previously had been somewhat unappreciative. I was also able to focus on his quirks and characteristics, to fully realize those unique traits that exhibit themselves every day but often get glossed over with the busyness of the day.

Our weekend was great, but normally our one-on-one time together is not that intense though I try to set aside a few minutes every day to connect with my son. One-on-one time is a great way to share pleasant time together, and scheduling daily one-on-one time (even if only a few minutes) is a great way to shape our days to ensure a routine of regular connection. 

One-on-one time allows me to be fully present with my child and learn more of who he truly is, without as much of life's distractions at least for a few minutes. It may not seem like it, but these few minutes a day goes a long way toward working together and solving problems when my child is in need of guidance.

To strengthen our relationship, I have learned that I must habitually find time to be alone with my child and focused on our connection. Here are some of my ideas that I hope help you in creating special, one-on-one time with your child:

1. Make it regular - Find time, at the same time each day, and stick to it. Make it a regular part of your routine.
2. Follow the child's lead - Let your child decide the use of the time. It may feel awkward at first, or you may struggle to enjoy it sometimes, but it's worth it for your child.
3. Keep it short - Aim for at least a few minutes of uninterrupted time each day. As you get accustomed to this, try adding more time as it works.
4. Encourage time for both parents - Ideally, your child will have one-on-one time with both parents. This may not be possible if the other parent doesn't live in the same house as you.
5. Listen - Try to limit your talking to simply asking questions and using reflective listening statements. Let your child lead the conversation. Sometimes, there may not be much talking; that's OK! Just being together is enough. With older kids and teens, it's important that one-on-one time with you is a safe time to talk without being judged and they can bring up any topic and know that they'll be heard and supported.

In the presence of a trusted adult, kids feel free to be themselves. They feel comfortable and confident in expressing who they are when they know they will not be criticized. It is important that we give kids as much opportunity to express themselves through both language and behavior, and for us to appreciate their interests. Having regular one-on-one time with our children allows us to get to know them. 

What time during the day works best for you to spend a few focused minutes with your child?

#normalizenurturing

January is when I look to the future, reflecting on the positive changes I'd like to make in my parenting. Here are my top 6 parenting resolutions for this new year:

1 - Love Unconditionally

Like many parents, I was raised with a model in which I was given or withheld love based on my behavior. Desired behavior was rewarded, and undesirable behavior punished. While this type of reinforcement is effective with animals, with which these techniques originated, conditional love sent children like me strong messages that shaped their self-image: that love is contingent upon whether I satisfied my parents' expectations.

I want to give my children unconditional approval so that they learn that, at their core, they are loved. Conversations about acceptable behavior can take place without communicating to a child that he or she is "good" or "bad."

With which daily rituals do you communicate love to your child?

2 - Validate Emotions & Experience

Little children experience big feelings. If adults can be overwhelmed by strong emotion, imagine the experience of a child who is just learning coping skills and developmentally has very little ability to manage their emotions.

I have found that I can help my children move through the turbulence of emotion by naming and validating their emotions. By making their emotions both relatable and acceptable, I give my children a safe space within to grow. When children are upset, it's important to help them to first find calm and then to reconnect before talking to them about what happened. A child, like an adult, needs to feel calm in order to fully process the experience.

What helps your child to calm down when angry?

3 - Instruct Using Positive Language

As newbies to our world, children have tons to learn about appropriate social behavior. The word "no" in isolation is minimally instructive, as it provides no actional information about what is desired. Spoken over and over to a baby or toddler, or teen for that matter, I have noticed that "no" can evoke strong frustration in my children.

Practical information about what is acceptable maximizes support while minimizing frustration. For example: "Food is for eating; balls are for throwing." While challenging at first, aspiring to reduce or eliminate use of "no" has been a powerful parenting tool for me. I have found that my child's boundaries can be more effective when the realm of acceptable behavior is clearly defined.

In what ways can you set boundaries on your child's behavior without saying "no"?

4 - Model What I Wish to Elicit

Children learn more by watching what we do, not by listening to what we say if what we say doesn't match with our actions. While's it is tempting to demand respect from our children, I have found that one of the most productive and fulfilling ways to elicit respect from our children is by extending respect to them first. 

Try using polite language like "please" and "thank you." This sends a powerful message about love. So does responding to their requests with love and understanding, including when their requests can't be granted, and providing a safe emotional space for our children so they can make and learn from mistakes. When I honor my children as separate beings with equally valid preferences, keeping in mind that it is my responsibility to limit options to those supportive of their healthful development, I have found that this creates a mutually respectful relationship.

In what ways do you communicate respect to your child?

5 - Assume the Best of Intentions

Have you noticed how the world rises to our expectations? Expect to have a bad day, and you'll notice the frustration of your vehicle's almost-empty fuel tank. Expect to have a good day, and you'll pay more attention to that lady who lets you go ahead in line at the supermarket.

I have found that my children are extremely responsive to my moods and expectations. I have learned to avoid potholes in our relationships by refraining from labeling my children; for example: "She's the smart one" or "He's the aggressive one." I can also do my children a huge service by assuming that they have the best of intentions. 

Your child wants a strong relationship with you, filled with love, affection, and mutual respect. As long as you assume the best, even when your child is pulling the cat's tail or throwing food, you can educate and nurture in a way that preserves a loving relationship. Remember, we're all students here - including us parents!

What is another way of looking at your child's undesirable behavior? What is a need he or she is communicating? 

6 - Learn From My Child

Children come into the world with a lack of inhibition that is tremendously instructive. They show no shame in asking for what they desire, and they act instantly upon their most primal instincts to meet their needs. Ever notice how young children will suddenly start running around or singing at the top of their lungs?

While most adults have learned to repress their desires, children are in touch with their basic needs: food, love, and exercise. I have learned that when my child demands attention, I need to take a cuddle break and relish the opportunity to love and be loved. When your child declares a dance party or initiates a wrestling match, join in! These feel-good games raise my heart rate and release my natural joy. There is nothing wrong with that!

What has your child taught you to help you enjoy life more?

7 - Be Present

So often I get caught up in my thoughts or to-do lists. While we can experience a sense of temporary relief or satisfaction by making progress on standing projects, the high only goes so far. 

Children live the grace-filled experience of being in the moment, each and every moment. By letting my agenda go and allowing my children to draw me into their world, I am able to experience the aliveness of living in the present moment and giving my children the gift of attentively joining in their games. 

When can you let go of your daily to-do list to spend a few minutes of enjoying the present with your child?

#normalizenurturing

Every January presents us with the opportunity for a fresh start, for doing things differently to make positive changes in our families' lives.

Here are 9 resolutions that helped me engage in more peaceful parenting with my children and that I hope help you to create more joyful connection with your children this year:

1 - Become Aware of Moments of Frustration

Feeling frustrated is a part of being human. When your child is not being cooperative or your children are engaging in sibling rivalry, it is easy to let your frustration flare up and control your next words or actions. 

Take notice of a moment of frustration and focus on how it feels. Pause, but don't speak or act. Relax your entire body and allow the frustration to pass before moving forward. This is a challenging skill, so give yourself credit for each time you are able to pause and reflect before acting.

When were you able to pause during a moment of frustration today?

2 - See Your Child's Resistance as a Wake-Up Call

When your child resists your requests, you may need to examine how you make your requests and your level of connection. Children crave power and being heard and seen in the family. When they are frequently told what to do, even gently, they begin to resist. 

Use your child's resistance as a "check in" on the relationship. 

Have you been spending enough quality time with your child, in which you've been listening more than talking? Have you been allowing your child age-appropriate autonomy to make his or her own decisions?

3 - Become More Proactive Instead of Reactive

Setting rules and limits in advance is necessary for teaching children about boundaries, respect, and safety. 

Rules and limits work best when established respectfully in advance, and engaging your child to help you in creative them motivates him or her to acknowledge them and follow through. Keeping limits and boundaries in place may require posting them for all to see and reviewing them frequently, but don't overdo it.

In what little way can your child give input to the rules of the family?

4 - Speak Respectfully of the Other Parent

We all hope our children will grow up to become people of integrity, and they're more likely to do so if we give them a model to learn from. 

Whether you're separated, divorced, or just angry at your spouse, commit to always speaking respectfully about the other parent in the presence of your child. Your child relates to the other adult as his or her parent, regardless of the issue you may have with that adult.

How can you reframe your frustration with your child's other parent, for the sake of your child's heart?

5 - Make More Emotional Deposits Than Withdrawals

Think of your child as having an emotional bank account: Examples of deposits include encouraging words, acts of kindness, and demonstrations of love. 

Strive to make more deposits than withdrawals. The result will be greater cooperation and less undesirable behavior. 

What deposits have your made in your child's emotional bank account this week?

6 - See Your Child as Good, Not Bad

Children are not "bad." Instead, they may have learned behaviors that can be difficult to deal with. These behaviors can be coping skills or an attempt to meet needs. 

A few changes in how you guide your child can make a lot of difference in his or her behavior. One of these changes is to be more patient, kind, and open to learning about how you and your child uniquely relate to one another.

Does your child's frustrating behavior seem to happen when he or she is waiting? What are some ideas to help your child? 

7 - Find Ways to Acknowledge and Encourage Your Child

We're so good at noticing and confronting undesirable behavior, yet offering encouragement is far more powerful. Unfortunately, when our child is behaving as we like, we allow our attention to focus on other stressful things we have to do in our adult life.

Slow down and begin looking for opportunities to make positive observations to your child. Examples: "It looks like you are having a lot of fun playing with your sister!" or "Thank you for helping your brother build that block tower." 

What is something that your child does well? When can you mention this to your child?

8 - Consider If Your Child's 'Misbehavior' is Attempting to Meet a Need

Challenging behavior may signal that your child needs more of your loving attention in the moment, especially if you've been busy doing your own work for a while. 

Take a break from your tasks to spend time with your child, one-on-one if possible. This will help meet your child's needs for attention and connection that, when unmet, may be expressed in undesirable behavior.

When can you squeeze in a few minutes of one-one-one time with your child today?

9 - Give Your Child Notices of a Transition

Younger children live only in the moment and have great difficulty seeing beyond now. Because of this, they don't transition well without advance notices. 

Visual timers and visual schedules are incredibly effective at helping children to transition, because they enable the child to see how much time is passing and the activities that are planned next. If you don't have a visual reminder handy in a given moment, a countdown of verbal reminders is helpful. Be mindful to not start a countdown and then become distracted yourself with talking to another adult or doing another activity. 

A helpful, long-term approach is to narrate your own thought process, since kids learn from what we model. Examples: "Oh look at the time! We'd better start cleaning up." or "OK, we should be leaving in 5 minutes. That's time for two more trips down the slide."

What works best for you in giving your child an advance notice before ending playtime?  

#normalize nurturing