Like cooking turkey on Thanksgiving or giving flowers on Valentine's Day, I cannot help feeling the tug of this time of year to pause and reflect.

Yes, January 1 is just the next day after December 31. But it feels like a beginning, and the part of me that loves rituals and traditions always comes forward with thoughts and questions:

• Does the way I live reflect what I believe?
• Do I treat my family the way I want to be treated?
• Do I take care of myself with as much care, time, and energy as I do my children?

These are lifelong questions and not easily answered with a simple "yes" or "no."

In thinking about this New Year, I imagine my answers turning from "sometimes yes" to "mostly yes." And what can I do to make this true?

The simple act of reflection helps: checking in with myself regularly and remembering to ask the questions; taking a moment each day, week, or month to revisit and think about the choices I'm making.

This is not an exercise in perfection but rather the setting of an intention to live with more love, forgiveness, and joy.

What are your questions?

#normalizenurturing

Parents spend a significant amount of time talking to kids. We have a lifetime of information and lessons to share with them, and we're constantly searching for the most effective ways to talk to our kids so they will listen to all we have to say. 

In parent-child relationships, it's listening that begets listening.

Listening nonjudgmentally to children allows them to feel accepted. When parents listen for a sense of understanding - that is, recognizing who our children are and what they are communicating beyond the presence of any adversarial words or behaviors - children feel understood and secure in the relationship. When we take time to listen to children, our relationships deepen.

How do you communicate to your kids that you hear and accept them? Here are 6 tips for strengthening your relationships with your children through improved listening skills:

1. Don't solve - Don't tell your child what she should do. This takes away from her ability to figure something out for herself. When children come to a parent to talk, they're looking more for validation and support than answers and directions. No matter a child's age, when she decides for herself what to do, she assumes responsibility and gains confidence.
2. Don't judge - Refrain from imparting any evaluations (positive or negative) of what your children tell you. Instead, help identify feelings and ask questions to help him arrive at his own assessment of the situation. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: "When we combine observation with evaluation, people are apt to hear criticism." When kids are worried about receiving criticism from parents, they are less likely to come to us to share problems or difficulties, which is exactly the kind of thing we do want from them!
3. Don't assume - Give your child the benefit of the doubt. When your child is telling you about a fight she got into, don't wonder what she did to start it. Start each conversation fresh, with no assumptions based on past behavior. Listening with an open mind gives a child the chance to see her own situation objectively, arrive at her own solutions, and make her own decisions.
4. Do summarize - Repeat back what you have heard and what you understand. The first step in effective listening is simply to understand. This part is just about proving that your child has your full attention and about getting the facts straight. For example: "So when you asked your friend if you could borrow a toy, she said no?"
5. Do empathize - Identify your child's feelings for him. Put his emotions into words. This will not only help him feel validated, it will also help him gain clarity for himself. For example: "Hmm, you must have felt very unsafe" or "Sounds like your feelings were hurt" or "That probably made you feel very angry." These kinds of empathic responses communicate understanding and acceptance.
6. Do ask - Rather than provide a solution to the problem, ask questions about it. This lets a child know that you seek to understand her perspective and that you have faith in her ability to figure things out. For example: "What was that like?" or "What happened next?" or "What did you decide to do?"

Here are a couple of my favorite books to learn more about this aspect of parenting: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Both of these helpful resources emphasize listening skills as a cornerstone of strong relationships. 

#normalizenurturing

Comparing seems to be part of human nature.

We compare ourselves to others. We compare our children to each other and to other children. We compare our spouses to others.

Comparing the heart rate or blood sugar levels of a given number of people might be beneficial in determining the range in which people maintain good health, and perhaps we can even say that by comparing children's abilities and establishing a range of "normal," we can determine which children have difficulties and how to help them. 

Comparing ourselves with others and, in particular, our children to other children can have very damaging effects if it's done in a shameful way, whether or not we actually verbalize it.

One of the most common reasons we compare children is to motivate them: "Look how nicely your sister is sitting and doing her homework. Why can't you organize yourself the way she does?" or "You should learn a lesson from your brother. He always helps out when he's asked." 

When we compare siblings in this way, we are conveying a message that one child is worth more in our eyes. The less favored child, rather than feeling motivated to emulate his sibling, feels resentment toward him or her. The more favored child might feel sorry for his or her sibling as well as pressure to maintain his or her status. 

The damage is threefold: We have inadvertently put a condition on our own relationship with our children, we have harmed the relationship between them, and we have further locked them into their behaviors.

Another way we compare children is by judging and grading them. We set up a standard of comparison and then see where a child fits into this standard: "This child is my good eater. He eats everything. The others are so picky!" or "This is my responsible child, but my other child is, well, I can never count on her for anything." or "This child is my astronaut. I have to nag him about everything."

When we judge children and grade them in this way, we fail to see that they are capable of developing many different abilities that can grow with our help, support, and belief in them.

Yet another way we compare childen is by labeling them: "My son can't sit still like the other children. He's hyperactive." or "My daughter is the only one who won't accept any authority. She's so defiant."

Labels such as these, that put the focus on a child's behavior, can lead parents down the path of searching for a medical diagnosis of some kind and even to medicating the child.

In all of these cases, our main focus is the child's behavior or performance. We set a standard for desirable behavior and then go about trying to shape that behavior or conclude that this is the child's nature and there's no hope for change. 

This reminds me of the new fruit trees that we recently planted in our garden. They are all about the same age, but each one is growing fruit at a different rate. The avocado tree is bearing small avocados on some of the branches, while there is no fruit at all on the peach tree. One mango has appeared on the mango tree, while the clementine tree has hints of tiny fruit dotted throughout the tree. No matter how much I could try to compare them, they each continue to grow at their own pace.

When we try to fit children into a certain standard and compare them, we fail to see who they truly are and what they need in order to grow.

One of the things that children need most for growth is rest, since all growth occurs during rest. 

Rest, in this sense, does not mean sleep or sitting quietly, but rather rest from having to find one's secure place, rest from searching for belonging, rest from working to be accepted and approved of, rest from trying to measure up to someone's standard, rest from trying to be special in someone's eyes.

In a culture or system in which comparing children is used to motivate, grade, or label them, there is no state of rest. Children cannot be creative, discover their own individuality, and reach their full human potential without rest from being compared.

Our culture of comparison also makes it easy to be tempted to compare yourself to other parents and your family to other families. It seems that social media is covered in picture-perfect families. Keep in mind that people tend to post family photos that reflect positively on them, but that every family has hard moments. Conflict is part of relationship! Also remember that every family situation is different, because no two people are alike. What's important is that we adapt to the resources, support, and needs of our own families.

Practicing how to refocus from comparing to appreciating makes it easier to see our children, and ourselves, as lovingly unique individuals! What are your child's strengths? What are your strengths?

#normalizenurturing