For me, early separation and divorce were messy and complicated. 

Aside from the inner grief, bruised egos, shame, and anger, my world fell apart. My children's reality shifted from a home with two parents to a home with only one parent present at a time. My reality of expecting a marriage to last "til death" shattered and was replaced with "til it doesn't work anymore."

I never expected this to be me, yet there I was. When it happened, I was hurt and angry and yet also able to appreciate how lucky I was. My former husband and I both have well-grounded, realistic, and practical parents who did not take sides and encouraged us to take only one side: the kids' side. His parents reminded us that our children had no say in our decision to marry, have children, or dissolve the marriage. These were our choices and ours alone. 

My former husband and I didn’t agree on much, but we always agreed that our children are innocent. We are to be their voice. 

Quickly the reality hit us: If I hurt my ex, it will only hurt our kids.

We successfully resolved to settle our divorce out of court and without lawyers. There was a lot of mutual anger and hurt, so it was extremely hard to talk to my former spouse to discuss custody, schedules, parenting decisions, and how we would divvy up what little assets we had together. 

In the back of my mind, I had to remind myself that an act against their father is an act against them. Every one of us is someone's child, so in proceeding with divorce agreements, we resolved to do nothing against the other that we wouldn't want done to our own child.

Our goal as parents always was to have strong connections with our children. Divorce does not, in any way, change this goal. Divorce can certainly complicate this when each parent is not respectful of the child's need to have a unique and special relationship with the other parent. Divorce can also impede the child's need to have both parents present at special moments in their life.

Regardless of how we felt toward one another, we decided together that our divorce needed to have nothing to do with us coming together to show support for our son's first soccer game or their birthday parties or their school celebrations. We could be mad at each other as much as we wanted to be in our own time alone, but when it came time for the children to be in the spotlight, all of that noise needed to be silent. 

If it was hard to sit near the other, we gave each other distance. Our family team was still there, full of support and full of love, as all families should be regardless of their marital status.

When making arrangements for this past Christmas, I asked my children what they wanted to do. They decided where they wanted to have Christmas dinner and who they wanted to invite. 

Three years ago, during the turbulent time of early separation and co-parenting, I wished that one day we would be able to gather again in peace. I never expected it to actually happen.

Yet this past Christmas, my children and I sat around a table with my former mother- and father-in-law, my former husband, my mother, and my boyfriend. We ate a delicious feast, shared drinks and stories, and created a wonderful memory for my children by celebrating this holiday together.

Their father and I are not close friends, but if we see each other out in the community, we will be social with one another and then part ways. Time has allowed us to heal and let go of old wounds.  

At some point, my children will be grown. They will look back at us and look at how we treated each other. I want them to look back and know that, while we were unable to maintain our marriage, we maintained our family and became a strong family that would always be there no matter what.

How do you support your child's relationship with their other parent?

Like most parents, I depend on routines to keep the family running on track and on time. 

Our bedtime routines are a big help. Even though we aren’t rigid about adhering to them, we do follow them most nights. I need my routine as much as my children need theirs. My children’s bedtime routine helps ease them into sleep. My own nighttime routine helps me to take care of myself.

My nighttime routine begins when my kids go to bed and I can get time to myself. I revel in the quiet. I can use the bathroom by myself! I eat a bowl of ice cream without having to share it with anyone. I work on something I've been putting off or that I can't do with my kids around.

I’m probably not alone in savoring my evening and probably not the only parent who finds her nighttime hours creeping later and later. I start to feel tired. I know that morning will come all too soon, but I don't go to bed because I enjoy the quiet and freedom. I end up staying up far later than I should. In the morning, I do not wake well rested. Sometimes I am flat-out sleep deprived. 

Still, I do it over again the next night. I don't want to give up that precious time that I have to myself in the evenings after my children go to bed. I need to figure out a better way to do this. How do you do it?

Balancing our time as parents takes intentional routine. We all need to carve out time doing what refreshes us as well as time to spend with others. Which of your routines brings you the most balance right now?

My toddler daughter has recently started pulling my hair. 

I’ve read a lot of online discussions about parents using timeout to discipline their children, but I’ve also read about time-in.

I first learned about time-in through an article written by Angela White:

"... I talked to a friend who used what she called time-in. Time-in involved getting down on my daughter's level and holding her if she wanted that and talking about the kind of behavior that was acceptable and not acceptable. I realized that many times when my child was acting up, she was really looking for more attention from me. It was a lot better for both of us if I gave her positive attention in the first place and refrained from negative attention like yelling and shaming. ..."

There’s research on the time-in technique, too, by Southern Methodist University (USA). 

Timeout is a form of punishment. It can change my child’s behavior but doesn’t help my relationship with her. 

Time-in gets to the heart of the matter while also improving my relationship with my daughter: Why is she pulling my hair? What is her underlying need? Is there something I can do that meets that underlying need and also strengthens our relationship?

Developmentally, hair-pulling is a common way that toddlers communicate their frustration. At this age, children are just learning how to talk and haven’t learned how to identify their feelings, let alone manage their anger.

After reading about both timeout and time-in, I decided to try time-in the next time that my daughter pulled my hair.

I noticed that my daughter pulled my hair when she was tired and wanted more attention. Instead of sending my daughter away from me for timeout, I kept her with me and talked to her about how pulling my hair hurts me and that it’s not okay to pull someone else’s hair. I then offered her a hug and asked if she wanted to nurse or have some playtime with me.

Had I used timeout, I think she would only be more upset. Punishing my child would have made her underlying need for attention worse rather than resolve it.

I feel that being respectful to our children, by questioning why they are behaving like this, we can sort out half of the problem. Timeout may change their behavior, but timeout cannot resolve the underlying problem, address our child's needs, or help parents better understand their children and grow closer to them. 

What moments during your day do you use time-in in how you guide your child's behavior?