In front of the wood-burning stove, well into winter, we began our typical summer vacation daydreaming. We settled at last on a cross-country road trip to see family.

Truth be known, the idea of driving from New York, USA, to Oklahoma, USA, was inspired by high airfare. Thus began our planning of a long car trip. I think of the process as part of the ever-present task of "educating oneself about parenthood."

Ultimately I wanted the time with my family to be about connection as we experienced a series of places together. As fast paced and demanding as life can be, I found this vision beckoning to me as a welcome retreat from our schedules at home.

No, I didn't suffer from delusions that the trip would be without bumps. A 15-minute trip to our local library sometimes challenges my patience. Driving there with arguing children the week before our vacation commenced, my husband and I wondered if we were going to regret our decision to undertake the "The Great American Road Trip," but any worries were unfounded. I planned several activities we could all enjoy and would also keep us focused on our travels and each other as we experienced new places. 

No matter how you travel with your children, you may find that some of these activities we used on our trip are fun, purposely non-digital ideas that you can enjoy with your children, too–and can easily adapt to other situations, such as car rides between errands:  

1) Geography Lessons & Car Parties

I printed free online maps of each state along our route and purchased a children's atlas. My children, ages 8 and 5, drew or wrote about each state, including significant land and water features, year of statehood, state nickname, state flower, and so on.

We crossed each state line with a homemade "car party," complete with penny whistles, bubbles, and a novelty snack before we began reading from the atlas about strange and wacky laws in the new state. One of our favorite laws was in Sag Harbor, New York, USA, that prohibits people from changing clothes in their cars.

This activity alone broke up the miles as every new state brought with it a change of focus and a car party to anticipate! We traveled through 11 different states and more than 1,500 miles one way, so we had ample opportunities to focus on our parties, paperwork, and atlas reading.

2) Get-to-Know Storytelling

We traveled with a pack of conversation-starting cards, and wrote the answers in a journal to capture everyone's replies. Looking back, I think videoing their responses would have been a great momento.

Riding along, all of us took turns responding to questions like "What's the first vacation you remember?" "What's the fanciest hotel you've ever stayed at? What's the dingiest?" and "Ten years from now, what memory from this vacation will you still be talking about?" It helped us connect as we drove mile after mile.

We continued the storytelling once we had arrived at our destination by asking other family members and chronicling their responses. What a great way for our children to connect with and learn about their great-grandmother's life by hearing stories, such as her very first vacation happening when she was 19 years old!

In addition to our own stories, we bought a mix of books and audiobooks. I mostly chose stories that related to our travels. As we drove through the Smoky Mountains, we read a Carole Marsh mystery about the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, North Carolina, USA, which excited us for the visit that lay ahead. The Evolution of Capurnia Tate accompanied our Texas, USA, travels. Davy Crockett's tall tales entertained us before we visited his Tennessee, USA, homestead.

I sought online materials to deepen our experience of a place. Once there, we made up treasure hunts, I-Spy games, and activities that supported our children engaging actively with their surroundings.

3) Homemade Meals on Roadside Picnics in Nature

When the need arose, we parked at rest stops to stretch, play ball, go for walks, and eat our meals.

Due to some food restrictions as well as the desire to eat well while saving money on the road, I had baked and cooked food to last us a good portion of the trip. I had a cooler full of frozen, homemade meals and snacks. Not only did this save money, but it allowed us to play games together in nature rather than sit in a restaurant or stretch in a hot parking lot. When children share time in making meals and snacks for the family, it’s especially fun for them when that food is served.

4) Impromptu, Frustration-Busting Songs

When our children had a seemingly immediate need, we tried to respond with empathy and sensitivity. We really could understand their frustrations and verbalized that when frustrations arose, rather than telling them to get over it. We then moved on and found an activity that transformed the irritation to focus and fun.

One of our best tools for riding the waves of frustration when they arose, besides switching the activity or taking a break from the car, was to create music. One of us would begin singing the blues: He wants some gum (x2). Don't know what to do (x2). He wants some gum. Hey, I do, too! He wants it now (x5). Shooby, shooby, do, do! He wants that gum. How 'bout you?

During that song, everyone began to add "do-wops," yodels, knee slaps, and new lines. Believe it or not, we rode 17 miles in creative bluesy bliss to the next rest stop where we found more snacks and stretched. The gum request was long forgotten.

We made up songs like "Ode to Nashville, not Asheville" to cross the miles. Sometimes these songs were sheer genius, not begun due to any lurking fiasco but preemptively whiling away a stretch of road when we were between activities.

5) Flexible Blocks of Road Time

Twice, we opted for evening and nighttime driving after a full day's activities. We spent a day at the Biltmore Estate, playing at the vineyard and farm and eating dinner there before we drove from 7:00 p.m. to midnight. Bonus: The adults got a chance to talk without interruption across the miles, a rare luxury when children are awake.

Other days, we made headway during daylight when we could see the scenery change and engage in all of our activities.

6) Breaks Between Visits For "Just Us" Time Together

Using our drive time to connect with one another helped to prevent tantrums. We divided the trip between camping and hotels, nature and city, friends and our own forays. We planned time with our children in between visiting family.

Rather than having endless visits with people our children do not know, in child-unfriendly environments with often-inappropriate expectations for their behavior, we gave our children breaks where just the four of us spent time together. One especially exciting activity was taking them "rock climbing" on a converted grain silo.

7) Adjusting Expectations

Speaking of inappropriate expectations of others...I reminded myself that even a 15-minute trip to the library could have bumps, so releasing my expectations that this trip would go smoothly was imperative. It is always important to me to be cognizant of my children's developmental stages, to set realistic expectations, and to remain flexible. 

We also didn't expect our children to want to do every activity we presented. When our daughter said she didn't feel like going to Garvan Woodland Gardens in Arkansas, USA, I waited in the car with her to read and relax instead. Less than 10 minutes later, she jumped at a second chance to go into the garden after her father and brother called to say they had seen a snake in the water feature. We then enjoyed the afternoon together, with her willing participation.

8) Postcards

We bought postcards at rest stops, choosing which one suited each recipient in mind, and mailing them. We all liked the idea of connecting with loved ones as we traveled along, inviting them into our journey.

9) Road Games

Games helped everyone to enjoy the ride. A favorite of ours was searching for objects we passed that begin with each letter of the alphabet. Sometimes we attempted to get them in order from A to Z; other times, we passed something too good not to write down, like silo or carnival, so we "collected" it before we reached that letter.

Another activity that proved engaging is a game that a friend has used to transform car struggles with her son: Together, we imagined all the items we could put in a bowl of cereal. This game can entertain children up to at least 11 years old, because I've seen it in action. 

Another friend, a veteran of long road trips, had suggested travel snacks that keep hands busy– such as pistachios in the shell–loaned me some manipulatives. I didn't introduce my kids to these completely-new-to-them toys until the last day of our road trip when the anticipation of returning home began to create impatience.

One thing that we did find necessary to make time for was creating our own card game, which gave us direction when upset feelings arose. My husband had flown home to return to work part way through our vacation, and our children were missing him on our own return home by car. Any time they expressed sadness about missing Dad, we turned that energy into creative expression. We named our homemade card game, "Welcome Home," and designed it after the stops we saw and activities we did during our trip.

10) Giving Everyone a Voice, Tempered With a Pact

We knew that the return trip, especially without Dad, might be less compelling for the kids after having already made the journey once. I already knew the route for the return trip and where we would stay for two of our stops. These details were non-negotiable. Yet I wanted everyone to have a say in what the return trip could offer.

Sitting around Grandma's kitchen table on our last evening in Oklahoma, I asked the kids to list a few things they wanted to do during our trip back home. I noted that we wouldn't get to do all requests listed, but we would do at least two from each person.

I wrote down my son's first request: "Look for crawdads at Sam Gray's creek," and each proceeding idea. Grandma, who was riding back with us, suggested: "Visit Mount Vernon." Everyone seemed to want to have ice cream of some variety, so we wrote that down. I added: "Hike somewhere," "Visit a museum," and "Go somewhere or do something new and unexpected."

We created a funny, little pledge that I hoped would help just as someone was, say, whining that they didn't want to stop in Washington, D.C. The pledge was inspired by the book, The Penderwicks.

Our pledge went something like this: We, the Nieroda family, do hereby promise to try, to the best of our ability, to remain positive during activities others most want to do on our return trip home and to stay patient as we wait for our own chosen activities. 

As did the Penderwicks, we placed our hands on top of one another's as we said our pact.

I thought we might return to it as a gentle reminder at some point east of the Mississippi River. As it turned out, the pact may have been unnecessary as everyone kept positive attitudes. It seems that taking the time to respond with sensitivity to each family member's concerns and need for a voice in decisions strengthened the connection that in turn supported us all as we journeyed home.

11) Scrapbooking

Our road trip was two weeks long. We took many photos, and I had them printed at our last stop before the last day of driving to get home. Looking at and discussing them occupied everyone as we drove those last eight hours home.

Grandma sat between my kids as they created their own scrapbooks of the trip. We prompted my son to draw pictures of events or objects that he wanted to remember from the journey. He drew a "thing with an arm that goes up and down" (an oil rig) and a salamander that he found while camping just south of Shenandoah National Park in Virginia, USA.

My daughter busily jotted photo captions on scrap paper before transferring them to her photo album. Grandma also helped her write poems about some of the places we visited.

Reflecting On the Trip Afterward

I really would not trade this trip for four round-trip airline tickets from New York to Oklahoma. Really.

And next summer? I'm already dreaming of the possibilities.

What car ride activities do you offer your children? Which activities in this article can you adapt to work for your family?

#normalizenurturing

In a way, summer vacation reminds me of giving birth. When it's over, I forget the difficult parts and look forward to the next one.

The next time I take a family trip during summer vacation, hoping my children will get along during a long car ride or walk quietly beside us on a family outing, I should expect that there will be complaining, whining, yelling, crying, and fighting. They might promise they'll cooperate, but these incidents will still happen. If I give them incentives or promise them rewards, these incidents will still happen. If I threaten them with consequences, these incidents will still happen.

This is because children are children. They are not yet mature enough to always control their impulses and behavior. This is not a matter of age but a matter of how far along they are on the road to maturation. The connections between the different structures of a child's brain is still in a stage of development.

This means that it's not realistic to expect children to think and respond in ways that require more maturity than they are capable of.

For children to wait patiently when they want to go, walk quietly when they want to jump and shout, share when they want something for themselves, or cooperate when there's another impulse driving them, children need a fair level of ability to mix conflicting signals, thoughts, ideas, and impulses together at the same time in order to find a tempered response. This means a child might have an impulse to hit his brother, but at the same time, he can remember that "we don't hurt each other."

When we understand that children can't yet temper their impulses, we can take care of them without losing our own ability to mix our conflicting impulses and feelings: On one hand, I feel angry and want to yell; on the other hand, I want to respond calmly, so I don't hurt those I love!

Here is what I have found to work well to transform our summer vacations into a satisfying experience:

> Connect through conversation. Summer is a wonderful time to deepen relationships with our children and satiate their hunger for connection with us. Activities that make it possible to have conversation, and quiet time together for reflection, strengthen and deepen our relationships.

> Find ways to get big, loud, and let it all out! When my children are free from the structure of their school days, they often have an accumulation of frustration and other strong feelings that are trapped inside and have not yet found expression. Children need a lot of room for their big and noisy feelings. When I provide them with generous amounts of warm connection, it helps their feelings come out, sometimes with a sea of tears that were stuck inside. After this, I have found that my children are calmer and easier to direct and take care of. Children don't intentionally misbehave: Their self-control is still undeveloped. I keep in mind that we want to remember our own good intentions, and stay in control of our own impulses, so we can lead our children with maturity, creativity, and compassion.

> Use advance scripts as a guide (and script what to do and say when my child goes "off-script"). I give my children little scripts to guide them through different situations, just like the director of a play gives actors a script that directs their acting. These scripts give simple, positive instructions of what to do depending on the situation. For example, before going on a long car ride, visiting the home of relatives, or going to a special attraction, I explain expectations: "When we go into the museum, we're going to walk and talk quietly. I'll show you which things you can touch and which things are not for touching." Scripting is a temporary measure that works well only in the context of a close, trusting relationship.

Editor’s note: Don’t forget to script what you will do and say when your child goes off-script, because this will happen! Modeling to our children what we do when faced with unexpected stress teaches our children what to do when they become overwhelmed or have a lapse in their impulse control. It may help to imagine a worst-case scenario and then visualize a calm, kind response.

It's important for me to remember that summer vacation will have both terrible and wonderful moments. When we know that both will happen, and that we can lead our children by responding thoughtfully to the circumstances that present themselves to us, we can look forward to this season.

When did your child have an opportunity to release his pent-up frustrations? What quick list of expectations can you offer your child the next time you are about to enter a stressful situation? 

#normalizenurturing

Summertime can bring a variety of opportunities to connect with our children and enjoy new experiences together. 

Here are three ways my family deepens our connections with one another during the summertime:

1) Start a Family Tradition

Creating traditions each summer, just as during other seasons and on holidays, can help children experience predictability and be a source of family bonding. You may want to bring some traditions from your own childhood into your family's summertime now. 

In our family, summer traditions include baseball games, going to a carnival, visiting all the libraries in the county, and eating dinner outside. I admit that we didn't consciously set out to create these traditions: They just happened as we found things that our family enjoys going together in the summer.

2) Get Outside 

I've found that my children seem to handle stress better when they can spend more time outside and just seem to be calmer. 

There are so many opportunities to get outside in the summertime. Sometimes we stay near home and play in the backyard. Some of the fun activities we like to do outside is "painting" the deck with a bucketful of shaving cream and some paintbrushes, having a water fight with squirt bottles, searching for bugs, pretending to be bugs, doing messy art projects, and setting up an outdoor movie night.  

Other days, we venture out for a hike or nature walk. I also like to visit different playgrounds. Sometimes, I climb the playground equipment along with my children; sometimes, when I'm craving self-care, I'll sit and enjoy a book in the fresh air while my children play. 

3) Find Fun Activities, But Don't Force Them

A few years ago, I created a "summer wish list" of about 15 places to go or things to do during the summer. We didn't end up doing all of them, but it was helpful to have some plans and suggestions. Some of those activities became our traditions, while others were one-time outings.

It's important to remember that some summer plans may not work out as you hope. Sometimes, what seems like a great idea to us sounds boring to our children. For example, I've been trying to take my oldest son strawberry-picking since he loves strawberries and since it was something I loved as a child, but my son is simply not interested. Rather than forcing it, I find other activities he is interested in and focus on being present with him in whatever it is that we end up doing. 

A note to parents: Remember that summertime activities are about strengthening your family connections. If the activity is stressful to you, not enjoyed by the kids, and/or not creating a good bonding experience, don't feel bad about scrapping it for something else! 

I hope you are enjoying, exploring, experiencing, and connecting with your kids this summer.

What are your favorite summertime activities to do with your child? Is there an activity that just isn't jiving with your family that you need to let go of?

#normalizenurturing